"Gotta Love It" Humor Selections - by IMRAN™

Trust The Man

2012-02-10T01:02:00.000-05:00

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'Hello'?"

Children And Their Teachers

2012-01-24T02:37:00.001-05:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
___________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
________________________________

British Hospitality & Foreign Relations

2012-01-19T13:33:00.001-05:00

Ralph, age 72, is visiting London from the USA for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate. Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss?

2012-01-16T14:38:00.001-05:00

A tough looking group of bikers were riding along the roadway when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. :-* kiss

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

Paraprosdokians

2011-12-22T14:51:00.001-05:00

Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bear on the Roof

2011-12-21T14:59:00.001-05:00

A man in the rural north Georgia mountains wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So, he looks in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.*

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12- gauge shotgun, and a mean as hell Pit Bull dog.

"So, exactly what are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the building, and then I'm going to climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

NASCAR Pit Crew Change News

2011-09-14T00:45:00.001-04:00

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN , and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Technorati Tags: Humor, Jokes, NASCAR, Racing

College Football Scouting Report

2011-09-01T22:27:00.001-04:00

It has finally arrived . . . the football scouting report is currently making the rounds of Division 1 Football coaches:

Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview
(62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee .

Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been
clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Auburn .

Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:
"The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20.

Signed with the University of Oklahoma .

Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.

Signed with the University of Alabama .

Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican TelephoneCompany.

Signed with University of Miami .

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.

Priest and Rabbi on a Plane....

2011-06-26T23:24:00.001-04:00

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Notes from the Edge of Life:

2011-06-23T03:47:00.000-04:00

(Received from Roger E, a pilot friend of mine).

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
--------------------
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
--------------------
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
--------------------
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
--------------------
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
--------------------
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
--------------------
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
--------------------
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
--------------------
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
--------------------
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
--------------------
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
--------------------
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
--------------------
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
--------------------
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
--------------------
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
--------------------
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
--------------------
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
--------------------
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
--------------------
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
--------------------
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Men Are Like....

2011-04-10T01:26:00.001-04:00

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here's an update: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

< Men are like.... >

1. Men are like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Sex Frogs

2011-04-08T14:07:00.001-04:00

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into it's eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

10 Great Lessons On Being Human

2011-01-21T22:37:00.001-05:00

Not a joke, but worth reading and remembering as this year, and our lives fly by.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Forget Indian Summer, Can You Weather Indian Winter

2010-12-10T22:32:00.001-05:00

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.

Men Do Remember Anniversaries

2010-12-04T22:35:00.001-05:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall..

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'

The Menu & The Old Golfer

2010-12-03T17:52:00.001-05:00

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?", she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?".

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady", he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? ".

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir. "I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands really well, because I want a cheeseburger".

Great Logic, Context Or Word Errors in Headlines!

2010-11-26T23:48:00.004-05:00

Actual news headlines with context or grammar errors or poor punctuation...

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
- Expert Says Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It
- May Last a While
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Air Head Fired
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Golf Lessons (Of Life)

2010-11-24T00:07:00.001-05:00

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

Deep Thoughts

2010-10-09T10:32:00.000-04:00

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11 Is it only me that, after dealing with someone, occasionally wonders... out of ten million sperm, you were the fastest? Really?

12. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

13. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

14. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

South Carolina Baby Naming

2010-10-05T13:23:00.001-04:00

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them for you."

The woman thought to herself ,"Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Okay, what did he name the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, "Denefew."

Understanding Engineers

2010-09-06T09:49:00.001-04:00

Understanding Engineers One :

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two :

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three :

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.

"He said,"Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four :

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five:

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six :

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight :

An engineer was crossing a road one day,when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Description of Political Correctness

2010-08-18T20:37:00.001-04:00

The following is the 2010 winning entry from an annual contest at Oxford University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year required a definition for the contemporary term, 'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end'.

Seeing Eye Dogs

2010-07-28T20:51:00.001-04:00

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a bloody Chihuahua?!"

Give & Take In The Gynecologist Visit

2010-07-22T18:03:00.002-04:00

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thighs. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?", he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps, which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're catching syphilis, which is what I came here about in the first place!"

Why Men Don't Get Depressed

2010-07-20T23:20:00.001-04:00

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays it's original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Bar Room Signs!

2010-07-19T20:20:00.001-04:00

Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE


Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC





If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC





Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO





No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC





At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ





=0 A
It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ





Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT





If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .





If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC





Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ





You're too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA





No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA



~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

0A

History's Top 10 Times Appropriate For Using The F-word

2010-07-19T12:31:00.001-04:00

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... drum roll please ....

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

Technorati Tags: Imran Anwar, History, Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes

Blond Bombshell vs Shellfish: Frozen Crabs & Legal Seafood?

2010-07-16T14:45:00.002-04:00

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Shooting Time

2010-07-10T14:41:00.001-04:00

Here's why Sicilians pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Sicilian is dying and on his death bed.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'!"

Technorati Tags: Humor, IMRAN, Imran Anwar, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Sicilians, Guns

Airport & Air Traffic Control Chatter

2010-06-22T14:38:00.005-04:00

(Received in email from a pilot friend).

These are from a former FAA Safety inspector who also was a CAL pilot before the FAA stint.

———————————

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

———————————

ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.'

Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'

———————————

ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'

Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'

—————————————

ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canad a 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?'

CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?'

CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'

CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'

———————————

Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'

———————————

NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'

FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'

NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'

Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'

NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'

Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'

NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'

—————————————

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR

—————————————

Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, heli copter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

—————————————

ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

—————————————

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!

——————————

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

———————————

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

————————————

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'

—————————————

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

————————————

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)...

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately .'

——————————

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

——————————————

Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

———————————————

A deer is on the runway... so...

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'

Inst: 'That's a good idea.' (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.' Inst: 'That's a good idea.'

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

———————————

Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

——————————

Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.

Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.'

Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'

Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'

Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'

Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'

Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'

———————————

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

———————————————

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton

Ground: Cessna 1 234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

——————————————————

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

—————————————

Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'

Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.'

Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'

—————————————

Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

————————————————

Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

————————————————

Munchen Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'

Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'

Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? '

Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'

Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'

————————————————

Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)

Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'!

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

————————————

Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'

Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'

Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'

———————————

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

——————————————

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

The Difference Between a Grandpa and a Grandma

2010-06-22T14:36:00.001-04:00

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time... just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

But luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out for the Sunday drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today!"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

Technorati Tags: Humor, IMRAN, Imran Anwar, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Grandparents, Family, Gender, Language

Clean Smelling Hair

2010-05-27T22:57:00.001-04:00

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Dr. Laura Schlesinger & Interpreting The Bible Fair & Square

2010-05-09T16:29:00.001-04:00

In her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

Dear Dr. Laura:

  Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

  I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Author Unknown

Received from Roger E., a Jewish friend of mine.

The Blind (Smell) Taste Test

2010-05-04T22:58:00.001-04:00

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
"Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.

A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him..

The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..

As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?

Steven Wright's Logic & Humor

2010-04-10T02:44:00.001-04:00

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Irish Lucky

2010-03-29T14:03:00.001-04:00

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked him.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Racial Discrimination Against Indians In Australia And It's Downside

2010-03-29T04:20:00.001-04:00

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to a grocery store in his area. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out.

He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper..."

Flying Factoids For Aviators & PIlots

2010-03-25T16:53:00.001-04:00

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot, is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

Hand flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.

Most crew meals taste like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets the blame.

A good simulator ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every trip and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the trash, then sends her back out to let in the cat.

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying types who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do something.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

2010-03-25T15:07:00.001-04:00

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Professions. What's In A Name?

2010-03-22T03:01:00.001-04:00

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

New Darwin Awards

2010-03-18T23:55:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Received in email from Norm Orenstein.
.

Stressed-out Driver, Palin' In Comparison

2010-02-19T15:12:00.001-05:00

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him..... I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car ..''

A Slippery Idea

2010-02-06T17:38:00.001-05:00

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She said, 'Yes, my husband and I use it all the time....'

'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex,' she said.

'Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a Child's' bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. and I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

'My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out!'

Last Wishes, Too Much To Ask For?

2010-01-29T16:37:00.001-05:00

Barry had received the worst possible news from his doctor. Lying in bed that night he asked his wife again, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting back into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and asked, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die?"

She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Dining Out By The Decades

2010-01-27T14:47:00.001-05:00

A group of 40 year old buddies met and discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Decipher what these Bush-isms mean

2010-01-19T17:35:00.001-05:00

"This is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada."
-- George W. Bush, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009

"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened."
-- George W. Bush, on what he hopes to accomplish with his memoir, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009

"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend."
-- George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009

"So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression."
-- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

"People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President."
-- George W. Bush, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

"I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

"He was a great father before politics, a great father during politics and a great father after politics."
-- George W. Bush, on his father, George H.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

"Yesterday, you made note of my -- the lack of my talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times."
-- George W. Bush, speaking with the president of Liberia, Washington, D.C., Oct. 22, 2008

"I want to share with you an interesting program -- for two reasons, one, it's interesting, and two, my wife thought of it -- or has actually been involved with it; she didn't think of it. But she thought of it for this speech."
-- George W. Bush, discussing a company that improves access to clean water in Africa, Washington D.C., Oct. 21, 2008

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw."
-- George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"I didn't grow up in the ocean -- as a matter of fact -- near the ocean -- I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2008

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

"We're fixing to go down to Galveston and obviously are going to see a devastated part of this fantastic state."
-- George W. Bush, Houston, Sept. 16, 2008

"The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer -- prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them."
-- George W. Bush, Baton Rouge, La., Sept. 3, 2008

"First of all, I don't see America having problems."
-- George W. Bush, interview with Bob Costas at the 2008 Olympics, Beijing, China, Aug. 10, 2008

"I'm coming as the president of a friend, and I'm coming as a sportsman."
-- George W. Bush, on his trip to the Olympics in China, Washington, D.C., July 30, 2008

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."
-- George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the president doesn't have a magic wand. You just can't say, 'low gas.'"
-- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., July 15, 2008

"And they have no disregard for human life."
-- George W. Bush, on the brutality of Afghan fighters, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008

"The economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It's not as good as we'd like, but -- and to the extent that we find weakness, we'll move."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
-- George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"Amigo! Amigo!"
-- George W. Bush, calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in Spanish at the G-8 Summit, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people."
-- George W. Bush, Charlottesville, Va., July 4, 2008

"Should the Iranian regime-do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that's what I'd ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do."
-- George W. Bush, talking to reporters in Washington, D.C., July 2, 2008

"But oftentimes I'm asked: Why? Why do you care what happens outside of America?"
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 26,2008

"I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 26, 2008

"I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there's a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House."
-- George W. Bush, referring to White House chef Cristeta Comerford while meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Washington, D.C., June 24, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"And I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president."
-- George W. Bush, discussing flooding in the Midwest, Washington, D.C., June 17, 2008

"There is some who say that perhaps freedom is not universal. Maybe it's only Western people that can self-govern. Maybe it's only, you know, white-guy Methodists who are capable of self-government. I reject that notion."
-- George W. Bush, London, June 16, 2008

"Your eminence, you're looking good."
-- George W. Bush to Pope Benedict XVI, using the title for Catholic cardinals, rather than addressing him as "your holiness," Rome, June 13, 2008

"The German asparagus are fabulous."
-- George W. Bush, Meseberg, Germany, June 11, 2008

"We've got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood."
-- George W. Bush, Kranj, Slovenia, June 10, 2008

"One of the things important about history is to remember the true history."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 6, 2008

"There's no question this is a major human disaster that requires a strong response from the Chinese government, which is what they're providing, but it also responds a compassionate response from nations to whom -- that have got the blessings, good blessings of life, and that's us."
-- George W. Bush, on relief efforts after a Chinese earthquake, Washington, D.C., June 6, 2008

"Let's make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."
-- George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 13, 2008

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

"How can you possibly have an international agreement that's effective unless countries like China and India are not full participants?"
-- George W. Bush, Camp David, April 19, 2008

"Oftentimes people ask me, 'Why is it that you're so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?'"
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008

"We want people owning their home -- we want people owning a businesses."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008

"So long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory -- and success."
-- George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."
-- George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what's not on their mind."
-- George W. Bush, Sochi, Russia, April 6, 2008

"Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition mission in the history of NATO."
-- George W. Bush, Bucharest, Romania, April 2, 2008

"Soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen, thanks for coming, thanks for wearing the uniform."
-- George W. Bush, at the Pentagon, March 19, 2008

"I thank the diplomatic corps, who is here as well."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008

"And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
-- George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

"I'm oftentimes asked, What difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana? It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a -- it's in our national interest."
-- George W. Bush, Accra, Ghana, Feb. 20, 2008

"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
-- George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008

"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands."
-- George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008

Pilot and Air Traffic Controller (ATC) Hilarious Dialogues

2009-12-24T01:52:00.001-05:00

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
----------------------
ATC: ' Al italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.' Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'
----------------------
NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'
NY Ctr: ' Al -italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Al italia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
-------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
--------------------------
Frankfurt Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
-------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
-------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
--------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: Al l the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
---------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter1019
-----------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
-------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
-------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Appro ach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
-----------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
--------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
--------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
---- ------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
---------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

Technorati Tags: Aircraft, Airport, Flying, Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Pilots, Travel, RealLife, Air Traffic Control

These were received by email. Original sources unknown to me.

Web: www.imran.com
Blog: www.imran.com/media/blog/ 
Pictures: www.flickr.com/photos/imrananwar/sets/ 
Follow Me: www.twitter.com/imrananwar
FaceBook: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=582866154
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/imran

The 100 Miles Per Hour Goat

2009-12-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

Two Newfies are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, running toward the hole at great speed, and with no hesitation jump head first into the hole.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

Brilliant Students - A Way With Words

2009-12-07T01:57:00.001-05:00

English teachers across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published annually, to the amusement of our teachers. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Old Pilot Joystick Gender Bender

2009-12-01T00:35:00.002-05:00

An old Pilot sat down at the coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. And you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Witty Quotations

2009-10-14T05:58:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Technorati Tags: IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Imran Anwar, Quotations, Wit, Jokes, Humor

More Blonde Jokes

2009-10-06T16:53:00.001-04:00

OKLAHOMA

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

DOG NAMES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Truly Glorious Insults without 4-letter words

2009-10-02T16:54:00.001-04:00

These glorious insults are from an era before all the insults of the
English language got boiled down to 4-letter words...

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.." -
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.. if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx

Technorati Tags: IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Insults, Jokes, Retorts, Wit

Happy and Sad

2009-09-10T16:06:00.001-04:00

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's
a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me
happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Mixed-up Birthday Gift

2009-09-04T19:55:00.001-04:00

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,

John

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

Eight Words with two meanings

2009-08-23T22:23:00.001-04:00

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Thoughts for Today

2009-07-07T13:38:00.001-04:00

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends..

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or
leaks...

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Speeding in Pennsylvania

2009-06-28T01:30:00.001-04:00

1) Good:
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' Officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a pic ture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......

All Temperatures Are Relative!

2009-06-26T22:56:00.001-04:00

60 Degrees F:
Floridians, Californians, & Hawaiians turn on the heat
Wisconsinites are out sunbathing

40 degrees F:
Italian & English cars won't start
Wisconsin motorists drive with the top down

20 degrees F:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat
Wisconsinites have the last cookout before it gets cold

-20 degrees F:
Californians flee to Mexico and Hawaii
Wisconsin Girl Scouts are selling cookies door-to-door

-40 degrees F:
Washington DC runs out of hot air
Wisconsinites let the dogs sleep indoors

-60 degrees F:
People in Florida all die
Folks in Wisconsin are annoyed because their cars won't start

-460 degrees F (Absolute zero on the Kelvin scale):
Hell freezes over
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

What Is That Thing Called?

2009-06-18T23:02:00.001-04:00

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a
few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came
into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken a-back, but she decided to tell him the truth..
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's
mom wants to talk to you.'

Dictionary of Common Phrases In Personals

2009-06-14T13:13:00.001-04:00

Men & Women Factoids?

2009-04-14T12:42:00.001-04:00

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $200 for a $100 item he needs.
A woman will pay $100 for a $200 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Great Sayings Of Police Officers

2009-04-08T17:44:00.001-04:00

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your Birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again, or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
crap."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here

When I Say I'm Broke, I'm Broke

2009-03-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Lake Charles Job Application

2009-01-14T03:14:00.000-05:00

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct; this being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on
question #4, the Yankee put down, "I don't know." And you put down,
"Neither do I."

"Don't Know Much About History" ?

2009-01-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where
Sarah Palin also happened to be attending. Ms. Palin took the
opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question
with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, "Doctor," she asked, "How do you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Governor Palin.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?''

Palin thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history.'

Confirmed Bachelor

2008-12-30T21:05:00.001-05:00

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. A, a confirmed bachelor for many
years.

"Mr. A, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no
time!" the marriage broker said.

"Don't bother;" replied Mr. A, "I've got two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine..."

How Government Works

2008-12-21T00:48:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of
a desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job. Then Congress said,

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person
to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then
Congress said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people, one
to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, a Deputy Administrative Officer, and a
secretary. Then Congress said,

- "We have had this in operation for one year and we are $1,000,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Love Life As A Pilot

2008-11-28T22:20:00.003-05:00

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.

He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

=====================

His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

Technorati Tags: Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Pilots, Relationships

Remembering (And) God's Words

2008-11-28T22:15:00.005-05:00

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday, and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in a long time.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said: "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?"
Cohen said: "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine, and I knew that Levy came to Services every Saturday. I knew Levy takes his hat off during Services and leaves it in the back of the synagogue. So, I was going to leave after the Torah reading, and steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi said: "Well, Mr. Cohen, I noticed that you didn't steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?"
Cohen said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said: "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Cohen shook his head and said: "Not exactly, Rabbi. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

Occupational Descriptions

2008-10-30T15:48:00.003-04:00

An accountant is someone who knows the costof everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Unrelated side note: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Consumer Behavior Or Smart Observation?

2008-10-30T15:33:00.001-04:00

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and,
A 1 lb. package of chicken.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Vaseline & The Power Of Silence

2008-10-16T21:33:00.002-04:00

(This joke is rated-R. Please do not read or listen if you are under
18 or don't like naughty jokes).

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike
seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.' And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.' When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes.'

No problem,' he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As
dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and
screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He
looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the (BEEPING) dishes!'

Buying Monkeys

2008-10-11T23:44:00.002-04:00

(Be sure to read or hear this joke to the end.)

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Today's New Business & Investing Terms

2008-10-07T01:16:00.001-04:00

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Bend it, Not Like Beckham!

2008-10-06T03:36:00.001-04:00

This joke is rated R.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says: "Ya know,
when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using
both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees
if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about
twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I
can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

The TV is Grandma's Boyfriend

2008-09-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

A Pirate's Tearjerking Tale

2008-09-02T12:44:00.001-04:00

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your
hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really.'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Forever Immortalized

2008-08-30T22:39:00.001-04:00

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Albany, NY:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist. All dressed up and no place to go.

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
Only The Good Die Young.

London, England:
Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

Ribbesford, England:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread.
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife.
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Ruidoso, New Mexico:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

Silver City, Nevada:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger.
But slow on the draw.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880`s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

Tombstone in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.

Tombstone in Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

Tombstone in Tombstone (sic), Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore;
Four slugs from a forty-four;
No Les No More.

Edinburgh, Scotland:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.

From a Georgia cemetery:
I told you that I was sick!

Battersea, England tombstone for "Owen Moore":
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Larne, Ireland (for a hanged sheep stealer):
Here lies the body
of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.

Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.

On a grave digger's tombstone:
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.

On a Spinster's monument:
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.

Moultrie, Georgia:
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.

Burlington, Vermont:
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.

Rhyming name problems:
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.

True feelings:
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.

To which the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.

More true feelings:
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.

On an adulterous husband`s tombstone (Atlanta, Georgia):
Gone, but not forgiven

Middlebury, Vermont:
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.

Kilmurry, Ireland:
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.

Death Valley, California:

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.

And not to be outdone:
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.

Niagara Falls, Ontario:
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.

Public Service Announcements:

Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."
(Girard, Pennsylvania)

Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
(New Jersey cemetery)

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
(Burlington, Vermont)

First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
(Boston, Massachusetts)

Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
(Wiltshire, England)

Tombstone advertisements:

Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter.
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.

Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson.
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.

The New Rhyming Alphabet for Old Timers

2008-08-30T04:23:00.000-04:00

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

The New Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few.

Just give me a pill, and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW

What's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Bat Mobile Cave In?

2008-08-28T13:49:00.001-04:00

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted
until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the
bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

A Cold Blonde Joke

2008-08-19T15:24:00.001-04:00

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says . . ." Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly. "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window Again she says . . ."Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load !"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she
lowers it, he says . . .

" Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in WYOMING, AND I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK !"

Idle Thoughts

2008-08-18T21:15:00.001-04:00

Got these from a friend in email. Sound like George Carlin sayings but
not sure who the source is. Enjoy.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice. I forget which!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread ? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If you don't do anything, how do you know when you are finished?

Face Lift Or Uplifting The Soul?

2008-08-14T10:20:00.001-04:00

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?'

(You'll love this) --

- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

She Shoots, (Or) Jesus Saves?

2008-08-11T15:15:00.001-04:00

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and she yelled,

'STOP! Acts 2:38 ! (' Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven')

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'

BEWARE OF OLD MEN!

2008-08-11T15:07:00.001-04:00

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don"t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply."

"Nope! I"m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I"d guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I"m 50."

Now she"s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. he clerk responds,
"Oh, I"d say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I"m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I"m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell , go ahead." He slips both of
his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won"t get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

Why we love children ..

2008-07-28T23:58:00.001-04:00

1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'

5 ) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What 'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it
always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want
this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got
there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Who needs (spare) ribs?

2008-07-25T23:32:00.001-04:00

Begin forwarded message:

From: Holz

   Wasp Woman

                                                She had her ribs removed by a plastic surgeon.
                                                             ( I think he removed most of her brain too)

'Two things are infinite: The Universe and Human Stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.'       - Albert Einstein

Smartest kid

2008-07-19T17:35:00.001-04:00

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Norm" <

Dating Ethnic Women (Racy, Politically Incorrect, Funny)

2008-07-17T20:50:00.001-04:00

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3
carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMEN:
First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong
address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting
to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realize nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx

Who's Your Daddy Now?

2008-07-17T20:29:00.001-04:00

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to
keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter
tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and
this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching
who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about
himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter
and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he
was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with
emotion.

He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

No (a)More Headaches

2008-07-17T20:19:00.001-04:00

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Wow, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife'.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Neologisms

2008-07-09T11:14:00.001-04:00

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

Very Punny!

2008-07-09T00:43:00.001-04:00

The ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of
language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But, why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in
Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

Florida Panhandle? Exit Strategy? Public Funding?

2008-06-30T10:14:00.001-04:00

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of
town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Jaguar, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

Speaking Of New Europe

2008-06-17T06:15:00.001-04:00

European Union Commissioners recently announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewritters everywhere kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag
is disgrasful and they would go to. By the fourth year peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand
ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Self Medication, LEGend?

2008-06-16T11:36:00.001-04:00

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor told him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost patience. He hobbled
out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and
gobbled down water until the pill cleared his throat.

He hobbled back into the examining room.

The doctor came back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the
tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Blonde Wannabe Cops

2008-06-07T02:22:00.001-04:00

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The
first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All
right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one
eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

Prepositional Proposition

2008-05-30T12:47:00.000-04:00

A girl from Pennsylvania and a girl from the west coast were seated
side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Pennsylvania, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya
from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from PA, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where ya from.... bitch?"

Cannibal Restaurant

2008-05-29T22:29:00.001-04:00

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price
difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of shit, it takes all morning."