Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Ultimate Retribution

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Shocked To Death

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared
the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm
new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
hearse for the past 23 years."

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Sensitive Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower
and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete
says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."... then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are!"

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

We're Doing Nothing, Just Killing Time!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says:
"What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading
a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's
knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A
young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and
nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Post Nuptial Ooooops! Till Death Do Us Apart

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Oh Shit!"

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Shake Off The Doldrums In Old Age Home

(This is a naughty joke - mature audiences only)

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, with lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and
says .......

"Do You know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" She asks.

"SEX!" he replies.

"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Harold , "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it tenderly. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she finally found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's Manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled sheepishly and replied ....... "Parkinson's"