Friday, December 10, 2010

Forget Indian Summer, Can You Weather Indian Winter

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall..

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'

Friday, December 03, 2010

The Menu & The Old Golfer

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?", she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?".

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady", he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? ".

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir. "I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands really well, because I want a cheeseburger".

Friday, November 26, 2010

Great Logic, Context Or Word Errors in Headlines!

Actual news headlines with context or grammar errors or poor punctuation...

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
- Expert Says Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It
- May Last a While
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Air Head Fired
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Golf Lessons (Of Life)

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'


Saturday, October 09, 2010

Deep Thoughts

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11 Is it only me that, after dealing with someone, occasionally wonders... out of ten million sperm, you were the fastest? Really?

12. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

13. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

14. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

South Carolina Baby Naming

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them for you."

The woman thought to herself ,"Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Okay, what did he name the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. What did he name the boy?"

The doctor replies, "Denefew."

Monday, September 06, 2010

Understanding Engineers

Understanding  Engineers One :

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get  such a great  bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a  beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two :

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three :

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept  golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper.  Let's have a word with him.

"He said,"Hello George, what's  wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a  moment. The priest said, "That's so sad.  I think I will  say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good  idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if   there's anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding  Engineers Four :

What is the difference between mechanical  engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build  targets.

Understanding Engineers Five:

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"  
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it  cost?"  
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six :

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human  body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No,  it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational  area?"

Understanding  Engineers Seven:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight :

An engineer was crossing a road one day,when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll  turn  into a beautiful princess."  He bent over, picked up the  frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said,  "Look, I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's  cool."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Description of Political Correctness

The  following is the 2010 winning entry from an annual contest at Oxford University calling  for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary  term.
This year required a definition for the contemporary term, 'Political Correctness'. 

The winner wrote:
"Political  Correctness" is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end'.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a bloody Chihuahua?!"

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Give & Take In The Gynecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thighs. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?", he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps, which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're catching syphilis, which is what I came here about in the first place!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Why Men Don't Get Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays it's original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Bar Room Signs!

 Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men 

Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC



If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC



Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity. 

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO



No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.

Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC



At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry. 

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ



=0 A 
It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ



Make love, not war.
Hell, do both

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT



If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.

Revolution Books
New York , New York .



If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? 
Men's restroom House of Representatives, 
Washington , DC



Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ



You're too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA



No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA


~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it 

Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX



History's Top 10 Times Appropriate For Using The F-word

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK,   1963

AND ... drum roll please ....

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" -
Tiger Woods, 2009

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Blond Bombshell vs Shellfish: Frozen Crabs & Legal Seafood?

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Shooting Time

Here's why Sicilians pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Sicilian is dying and on his death bed.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'!"


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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Airport & Air Traffic Control Chatter

(Received in email from a pilot friend).

These are from a former FAA Safety inspector who also was a CAL pilot before the FAA stint.


British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'


ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.'

Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'


ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'

Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'


ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canad a 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?'

CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?'

CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'

CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'


Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'


NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'

FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'

NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'

Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'

NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'

Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'

NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'


Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR


Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, heli copter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'


ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'


Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!


O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.


ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019


Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'


Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.


Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)...

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately .'


Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'


Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'


A deer is on the runway... so...

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'

Inst: 'That's a good idea.' (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.' Inst: 'That's a good idea.'

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.


Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'


Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.

Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.'

Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'

Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'

Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'

Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'

Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'


BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'


Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton

Ground: Cessna 1 234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport


Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'


Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'

Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.'

Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'


Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'


Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'


Munchen Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'

Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'

Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? '

Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'

Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'


Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)

Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'!

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.


Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'

Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'

Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'


Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'


Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

The Difference Between a Grandpa and a Grandma

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time... just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

But luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out for the Sunday drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today!"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?


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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Clean Smelling Hair

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Dr. Laura Schlesinger & Interpreting The Bible Fair & Square

In her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.   

Dear Dr. Laura: 

  Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. 

  I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians? 
 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 
 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 
 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?
 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 
 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 
 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 
 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die? 
 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 
 10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 
 I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. 
 Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. 
Author Unknown

Received from Roger E., a Jewish friend of mine.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The Blind (Smell) Taste Test

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
"Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.

A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him..

The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..

As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Steven Wright's Logic & Humor

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Irish Lucky

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked him.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Racial Discrimination Against Indians In Australia And It's Downside

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to a grocery store in his area. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out.

He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper..."

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Flying Factoids For Aviators & PIlots

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot, is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

Hand flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.

Most crew meals taste like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets the blame.

A good simulator ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every trip and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the trash, then sends her back out to let in the cat.

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying types who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do something.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Professions. What's In A Name?

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

New Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Received in email from Norm Orenstein.