Thursday, October 26, 2006

How Many George W. Bush Administration Officials Needed To Change A Light Bulb?

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb? Answer: TEN.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness; 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb; 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished"; 7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time; 8. Another one to viciously smear #7; 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along; 10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country. And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb. Pass this on. Help cure Mad Cowboy Disease.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

And You Thought MY Puns Were Bad

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry,sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across tow though the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Late-Night TV Jokes On Republican Mark Foley Sex Scandal

"I have the latest in the big Washington sex scandal. ... CNN is reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but were also full of typos. In his own defense, Foley said, 'It's hard to type with one hand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The good news? Florida Congressman Mark Foley has entered rehab. The bad news? Rehab is a 14-year-old boy from Pakistan." --Jay Leno

"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine, and then maybe you can sit on it." --Jay Leno

"On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said, 'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA slow." --Jay Leno

"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place." --Jay Leno

"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday. ... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile." --Jay Leno

"ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor, stopped the House floor vote, so he could have online phone sex with a 16-year-old. Say what you want about Bill Clinton -- he could sit at his desk and have sex and work at the same time." --Jay Leno

"Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House. ... Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center." --Jay Leno

"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked himself into rehab. ... It had gotten so bad he had to go out and develop a drinking problem." --David Letterman

"The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new page." --David Letterman

"He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart

"The big question, of course, for this congressman, who was an online sex predator to a 16-year-old, is -- what drove him to it? [on screen: multiple newscasts saying Foley blamed alcohol]. The sauce. Sad juice. Satan's breast milk. Uncle Scotchy's anger wrangler. The active ingredient in Nyquil. That's why he did this thing. For if not for alcohol, it would have never crossed his mind. Mark Foley's problem wasn't that he drank, it was what he drank [on screen: bottle of Young Boyschlager]. Young Boyschlager. It's got real bits of young boy in it. You don't stand a chance." --Jon Stewart

"It's unbelievable the way the mainstream media is reporting this thing. Listening to them, you'd think it's all Foley's fault. Don't you think the kids bare some of the blame here? Hear me out. Let's be fair. How can a 53-year-old, six-term congressman hold out against the snares and seductive trickery of a high student from the rural South?" --Stephen Colbert

"He's in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks -- drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. ... It's simple. You drink, you forget things -- especially things that could endanger minors." --Stephen Colbert

"Apparently he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft on terror." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit emails to underage boys. What is it with Congress? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass." -Jay Leno

"How about that Florida congressman Mark Foley? Whoa. At least the Democrats wait until the interns are 18." -David Letterman

"The Republicans reacted quickly. They transferred Foley to a different parish." -David Letterman

"The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action." --Jon Stewart

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Mexican Olympics News

Presidente Vincente Fox has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

The reason is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Dear Diaries

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2. His Diary: Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle- fed?

"Breast-fed, "she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

-- Visit and click on JOKES.

Top 10 Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Identity Crisis

A guy walks into a Dentist office and says, "Doc I have this problem, I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies, "I'm a dentist, the Psychiatrist's office is across the hall. Why did you come to me?"

The man replied "YOUR LIGHT WAS ON."

Definitions To Get Off Your Chest

Question: What is the difference between EXCESS and SURPLUS ?

Answer: EXCESS is the part of her breast a man can't get in his mouth! SURPLUS is the other one!

Swedish Firemen To The Rescue

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire Departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the Fire Chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the Fire Department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more Fire Departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the Fire Department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a super-human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their Chief,

"What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"