Thursday, December 22, 2011


Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bear on the Roof

A man in the rural north Georgia mountains wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So, he looks in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.*

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12- gauge shotgun, and a mean as hell Pit Bull dog.

"So, exactly what are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the building, and then I'm going to climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."