Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Favorite Country Songs

Favorite Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Bear Removal Strategy But Safety First

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Albertan Bear Remover."

So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got with him a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull terrier.

"How does this work? What are you going to do with all those?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to seize it by the testicles and not let go. The bear will gradually become subdued enough for me to lock him up in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"That's for you. If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Monday, April 11, 2016

Bank The Ring, Ring The Bank

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in Beverly Hills last Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Siamese Twins, Travels And Travails

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, ""Don''t mind us; we're joined at the hip. I''m John. He''s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.""

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ""Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month,"" says John. ""We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?""

Jim agrees.

Ah, England!" says the bartender. ""Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture!"

"Nah, we don't like any of that British crap,"" says John. ""Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that''s us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English. They''re so arrogant and rude; almost as bad as the French.""

"So why do you keep going to England?"" asks the bartender.

""It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.""

Friday, February 12, 2016

Giving Up Smoking, Drinking & Sex

A woman was told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wanted to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The woman was asked a week later about how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven".

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either."

Sunday, January 24, 2016

I Cannot Tell A Lie..... Oh S#![!

Once there was a little boy who lived with his family in the countryside.

The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Little Johnny and "I Presume...."

Another gem from Little Johnny.

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression , "I presume ..... ".

One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday , my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

"Very good , " said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

"That's excellent , " says the teacher.

Little Johnny , at the back of the classroom , gets up and says: "Yesterday , I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes . I presume that……."

The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.

Johnny says, "Please , Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to take a shit because he can't read."

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Smart Cop Floored

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."