Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Confirmed Bachelor

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. A, a confirmed bachelor for many

"Mr. A, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no
time!" the marriage broker said.

"Don't bother;" replied Mr. A, "I've got two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine..."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of
a desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job. Then Congress said,

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person
to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then
Congress said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people, one
to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, a Deputy Administrative Officer, and a
secretary. Then Congress said,

- "We have had this in operation for one year and we are $1,000,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Love Life As A Pilot

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.

He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

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Remembering (And) God's Words

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday, and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in a long time.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said: "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?"
Cohen said: "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine, and I knew that Levy came to Services every Saturday. I knew Levy takes his hat off during Services and leaves it in the back of the synagogue. So, I was going to leave after the Torah reading, and steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi said: "Well, Mr. Cohen, I noticed that you didn't steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?"
Cohen said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said: "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Cohen shook his head and said: "Not exactly, Rabbi. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Occupational Descriptions

An accountant is someone who knows the costof everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Unrelated side note: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Consumer Behavior Or Smart Observation?

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and,
A 1 lb. package of chicken.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Vaseline & The Power Of Silence

(This joke is rated-R. Please do not read or listen if you are under
18 or don't like naughty jokes).

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike
seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.' And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.' When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes.'

No problem,' he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As
dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and
screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He
looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the (BEEPING) dishes!'

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Buying Monkeys

(Be sure to read or hear this joke to the end.)

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Today's New Business & Investing Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Monday, October 06, 2008

Bend it, Not Like Beckham!

This joke is rated R.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says: "Ya know,
when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using
both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees
if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about
twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I
can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The TV is Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Pirate's Tearjerking Tale

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Forever Immortalized

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Albany, NY:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.  It was.
Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist.  All dressed up and no place to go.
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
Only The Good Die Young.
London, England:
Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
Ribbesford, England:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread.
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife.
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
Silver City, Nevada:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger.
But slow on the draw.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880`s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Tombstone in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
Tombstone in Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
Tombstone in Tombstone (sic), Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore;
Four slugs from a forty-four;
No Les No More.


Edinburgh, Scotland:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
From a Georgia cemetery:
I told you that I was sick!
Battersea, England tombstone for "Owen Moore":
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Larne, Ireland (for a hanged sheep stealer):
Here lies the body
of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.
On a grave digger's tombstone:
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.
On a Spinster's monument:
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.
Moultrie, Georgia:
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
Burlington, Vermont:
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
Rhyming name problems:
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
True feelings:
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
To which the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
More true feelings:
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
On an adulterous husband`s tombstone (Atlanta, Georgia):
Gone, but not forgiven
Middlebury, Vermont:
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
Kilmurry, Ireland:
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.
Death Valley, California:
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.
And not to be outdone:
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
Niagara Falls, Ontario:
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Public Service Announcements:
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."
(Girard, Pennsylvania)
Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
(New Jersey cemetery)
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
(Burlington, Vermont)
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
(Boston, Massachusetts)
Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
(Wiltshire, England)
Tombstone advertisements:
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter.
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson.
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.

The New Rhyming Alphabet for Old Timers

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

The New Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few.

Just give me a pill, and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW

What's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bat Mobile Cave In?

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted
until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the
bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Cold Blonde Joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says . . ." Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly. "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window Again she says . . ."Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load !"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she
lowers it, he says . . .

" Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in WYOMING, AND I'm driving the

Monday, August 18, 2008

Idle Thoughts

Got these from a friend in email. Sound like George Carlin sayings but
not sure who the source is. Enjoy.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed

I had amnesia once -- or twice. I forget which!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread ? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If you don't do anything, how do you know when you are finished?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Face Lift Or Uplifting The Soul?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

(You'll love this) --

- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

Monday, August 11, 2008

She Shoots, (Or) Jesus Saves?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and she yelled,

'STOP! Acts 2:38 ! (' Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven')

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don"t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply."

"Nope! I"m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I"d guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I"m 50."

Now she"s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. he clerk responds,
"Oh, I"d say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I"m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I"m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell , go ahead." He slips both of
his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won"t get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Why we love children ..

1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'

5 ) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What 'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it
always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want
this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got
there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Friday, July 25, 2008

Who needs (spare) ribs?

Begin forwarded message:

From: Holz 

                                        Wasp Woman 


                                                She had her ribs removed by a plastic surgeon. 

                                                             ( I think he removed most of her brain too)



'Two things are infinite:  The Universe and Human Stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.'       - Albert Einstein





Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dating Ethnic Women (Racy, Politically Incorrect, Funny)

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3
carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting
to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realize nothing is going to happen.

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx

Who's Your Daddy Now?

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to
keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter
tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and
this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching
who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about
himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter
and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he
was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with

He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

No (a)More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Wow, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife'.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 The winners are:
 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
 9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 Here are this year's winners:
 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
 9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
 And the pick of the literature.
 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Florida Panhandle? Exit Strategy? Public Funding?

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Jaguar, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Speaking Of New Europe

European Union Commissioners recently announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewritters everywhere kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag
is disgrasful and they would go to. By the fourth year peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand
ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Self Medication, LEGend?

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor told him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost patience. He hobbled
out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and
gobbled down water until the pill cleared his throat.

He hobbled back into the examining room.

The doctor came back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the
tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Blonde Wannabe Cops

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The
first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All
right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one
eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Prepositional Proposition

A girl from Pennsylvania and a girl from the west coast were seated
side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Pennsylvania, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from PA, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where ya from.... bitch?"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price
difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of shit, it takes all morning."

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Secret of Health, Happiness & A Long Life

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!  What is your secret?'

'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said.  'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.  On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.' 

'That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?'

'Twenty-four,' she replied.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for th e rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2, 000,000 bank

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will rec eive a factory and
$2 ,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hold On For Dental Extraction

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hardly Thinking On His Feet?

An elderly gentleman goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. 'Can I
have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' he asks.

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Magic Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!."

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the
bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied ..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow."

Monday, May 12, 2008

Early Realization

Nominated for best short joke of the year. . . .

A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.




A koala bear was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the
little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed
a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river. At the water's edge, the
little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into
the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the riverbank. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter
with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest, found the gum tree where the koala was sitting finishing
another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Daaaaaaammnn, duuuuuude.....

How much water DID you drink???!!!"

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Taking the Canadian Cure

George went to a psychiatrist. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said George.

Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A Cape Bretoner cured me for $10 and a quart. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Cape Bretoner cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now !!!'

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Beats Bush Rice Pudding For World Peace

My sweet tooth (more like sweet teeth!) mean there are few desserts, and hardly any ice-creams, that I do not like. But, among my favorites are Ben & Jerry's flavors, along with Hagen Daz and many others. I have been a fan of B&J's ice-creams from before they showed the courage to take the challenge of exposing our government's, especially the Bush administration's, follies and foolish policies. Obviously I just consume massive quantities of Chunky Monkey, Chubby Hubby, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dreams, Half Baked, and many other flavors just to support Ben and Jerry be great corporate citizens. Fine, don't believe me! Anyway, when I saw a link to it, I was happy to become a fan of their "fan page" on FaceBook. I saw that they have actually created several flavors and brands in support of world peace. During the same Facebook session, I clicked on the page of a very interesting person in Israel, who had connected to me. On his page, in a section called The Wall, which is standard on most FaceBook profiles, it was very heartening to see Palestinian and Israeli members, writing literally side-by-side, for world and middle-east peace. It was just a coincidence, but one that reminded me again that individuals like Yaakov Ort and Ben & Jerry (as people and as a business), can, do and will achieve far for world peace than President Bush ever could, even if he had thought about trying. Even just by naming some flavors for World Peace, Ben and Jerry has/have done more for peace around the world, than President Bush did in 8 years. Of course, Bush still has a SO many weekends left to solve the Mid-East problem, Darfur, and other issues. Many effective techniques are at his disposal. He can have the conflicting parties come and solve it all in day --- perhaps by having some (kosher/halal, one hopes) hamburger cookoffs at his ranch. I am not sure what dessert they serve at the Bush ranch. Surely it is not Ben and Jerry's ice-cream... Perhaps the dessert is Rice pudding -- served on a water-board? As I wrote in a comment on one of the profiles on FaceBook... Peace, with Dignity, and Equal Justice, to All.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Dog & Cat Diaries


8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today
I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe... for now.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Essential Movies Facts

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they
happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock
when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you
will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with
and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total

And last but not least:

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Denmark's True American Election Insight

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Bracelet at Tiffany's - After Breakfast?

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'S ir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Good Girls Finish, Last?

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named
Theodoro was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to
attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the
point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Theodoro reached for her and the rattling resumed. This
time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The
sex finally ended and, again, Theodoro smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No"

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Theodoro reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Theodoro fell
onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into
her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear. "No, I

Monday, April 14, 2008

Lost Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley.We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the Bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.