Monday, June 30, 2008

Florida Panhandle? Exit Strategy? Public Funding?

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Jaguar, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Speaking Of New Europe

European Union Commissioners recently announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewritters everywhere kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag
is disgrasful and they would go to. By the fourth year peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand
ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Self Medication, LEGend?

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor told him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost patience. He hobbled
out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and
gobbled down water until the pill cleared his throat.

He hobbled back into the examining room.

The doctor came back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the
tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Blonde Wannabe Cops

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The
first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All
right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one
eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.