Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Life Without The Movies?

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Like Peaches In A Pod

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied,... "a can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she said that she was

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
answered, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

But, before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

"What is it?" the judge asked.

The husband said... "She also stole a can of peas."

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Rubber Gloves - Great Dip

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Way The Government Really Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the
third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine
the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

I Hear Someone Coming!

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me."

West Virginia Domestic Problem

Bob walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

Bob says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Shape Matters - Important Men's Health Study

In 1991, University of Kentucky funded a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the University of Kentucky published the study, Ohio State
University decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years
of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.

The University of West Virginia, unsatisfied with these findings,
spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee)
and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting him in the forehead.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Lawyers Cost An Arm & A Leg

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life.'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer. 'MY ROLEX!'

Sunday, February 10, 2008

You Must Be A Member of the Taliban

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider Jews

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Easy Rider, Hard Ride

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down ..an Indian on horse back came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off . The ride
was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian let out a
whoop so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town , he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "yahoo ," and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited ?"asked the service
station attendant?

"Nothing ," shrugged the woman ," I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to his saddle horn so
I wouldn't fall off."

" Lady," the attendant said , " Indians ride bareback."

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Great... Men Turn-downs!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

(and men who may appreciate good humor)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Very Social Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have
a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada .. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

Catholic Horse Racing

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race
horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the
horses Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch
was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses,
and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop
at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race, a stakes race were owners wish to sell their horses, and
blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he
lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Monday, February 04, 2008

Dumb Like A Fox?

Many years ago, a young boy entered a barber shop, and the barber
whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other
then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy took the quarters and left. "What did I tell you?" said the
barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"