Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Covet Thy Neighbor's What?

A man received an e-mail from his neighbor:

"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future."

Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.

A few minutes later he received another e-mail: "Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife.'"

Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Minister Demonistration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead. The fourth worm in good, clean soil: alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand. "If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Cold Wife Stare?

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Minnesota, near the Canadian border.  
 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  
 
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.  
 
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.  
 
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Coffee & Testicles All In A Day's Work

{Naughty Joke. Do Not Read If Easily Offended.}

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a Government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Department of Unintentional Puns: (Set) Fire (To) The Editors?!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! 
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
  
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! 
 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
  
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge! 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?! 
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken? 
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
 
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Collection Of Short Jokes

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'

Friday, September 13, 2013

Read Right, Write Wrong

Let me read that again!
 
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
 
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
  
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
  
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
 Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
 
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 
 
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Hands On Massage Therapy

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel' she asked?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

All Truisms

A collection of thoughts from the past two thousand years or so.

 
GREAT TRUTHS
 
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard , Civil Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer , English  Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians -- Edward Langley ,  Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public  office. -- Aesop
 

FIVE INTERESTING STATEMENTS
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Drinking Man Driven To Logic

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes...

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs...

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00...

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years...

Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: I guess so ...

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: I guess so...

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No...

Man: Then, where's your damn Ferrari?

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Romance Interruptus....

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Italian Poker Club

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.