Sunday, September 05, 2021
Saturday, September 04, 2021
An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says, "How much do you charge?"
She says, "$300."
He replies "I've got no money, and all I have are these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60's."
She says "That'll do," takes the medals and off they go to take care of business.
Next evening another old man approaches, "How much do you charge?" he asks.
She says, "$600."
"Are you any good?" he then asks.
"Well, I've two Olympic gold medals!"
Monday, January 04, 2021
Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Saturday, November 28, 2020
Monday, November 23, 2020
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Monday, November 02, 2020
I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Saturday, April 07, 2018
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns…
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
Wednesday, June 07, 2017
- However after sex, they always dress on their own.
- Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:- When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,"Congrats".
- But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
- Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country Western song is:
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got with him a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull terrier.
"How does this work? What are you going to do with all those?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to seize it by the testicles and not let go. The bear will gradually become subdued enough for me to lock him up in the cage in the back of the van."
Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"That's for you. If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Monday, April 11, 2016
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Saturday, March 26, 2016
One of them says to the bartender, ""Don''t mind us; we're joined at the hip. I''m John. He''s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.""
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ""Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month,"" says John. ""We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?""
Ah, England!" says the bartender. ""Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture!"
"Nah, we don't like any of that British crap,"" says John. ""Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that''s us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English. They''re so arrogant and rude; almost as bad as the French.""
"So why do you keep going to England?"" asks the bartender.
""It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.""
Friday, February 12, 2016
The woman said she would try her best.
The woman was asked a week later about how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven".
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either."
Sunday, January 24, 2016
The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."
Thursday, January 14, 2016
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression , "I presume ..... ".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday , my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good , " said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent , " says the teacher.
Little Johnny , at the back of the classroom , gets up and says: "Yesterday , I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes . I presume that……."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.
Johnny says, "Please , Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to take a shit because he can't read."