Sunday, October 27, 2013

Department of Unintentional Puns: (Set) Fire (To) The Editors?!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge! 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?! 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken? 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Collection Of Short Jokes

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'