Thursday, October 30, 2008

Occupational Descriptions

An accountant is someone who knows the costof everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Unrelated side note: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Consumer Behavior Or Smart Observation?

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and,
A 1 lb. package of chicken.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Vaseline & The Power Of Silence

(This joke is rated-R. Please do not read or listen if you are under
18 or don't like naughty jokes).

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike
seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.' And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.' When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes.'

No problem,' he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As
dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and
screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He
looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the (BEEPING) dishes!'

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Buying Monkeys

(Be sure to read or hear this joke to the end.)

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Today's New Business & Investing Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Monday, October 06, 2008

Bend it, Not Like Beckham!

This joke is rated R.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says: "Ya know,
when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using
both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees
if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about
twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I
can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"