Monday, July 28, 2008

Why we love children ..

1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'

5 ) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What 'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it
always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want
this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got
there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Friday, July 25, 2008

Who needs (spare) ribs?

Begin forwarded message:

From: Holz 

                                        Wasp Woman 


                                                She had her ribs removed by a plastic surgeon. 

                                                             ( I think he removed most of her brain too)



'Two things are infinite:  The Universe and Human Stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.'       - Albert Einstein





Thursday, July 17, 2008

Dating Ethnic Women (Racy, Politically Incorrect, Funny)

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3
carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting
to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realize nothing is going to happen.

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx

Who's Your Daddy Now?

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to
keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter
tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and
this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching
who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about
himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter
and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he
was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with

He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

No (a)More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Wow, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife'.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 The winners are:
 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
 9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 Here are this year's winners:
 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
 9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
 And the pick of the literature.
 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.