Wednesday, December 27, 2006
faithful and loving wives, however, They had gotten over-enthusiastic
on Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they Stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so She thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a Wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business They proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's Husbands was concerned that his
Normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
Phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
Worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
Saturday, December 23, 2006
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
2005 Darwin Award Winners
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. so he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be-their on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man frustrated walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family....unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean
Monday, December 11, 2006
Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk
------------------------------------------------------------- FUNNY THOUGHTS: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen ------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK WIT: "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." --Jackie Mason
Friday, December 08, 2006
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!! ..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 9-11....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
- SENIOR DRIVING
- As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
- Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
- After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
- Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!
- She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
- Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
- An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
- The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."
- A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
- "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish & gt; oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back recycling.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin a cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit and broke favorite bowling trophy.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A gold miner was injured in a terrible accident and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation, he complained to a co-worker "I suppose I'm totally screwed now. Who'd want a one-legged gold digger?"
The co-worker replied "Paul McCartney?"
Sunday, November 05, 2006
The year isn't even over yet...and we already have our winners to give the sign of Biggest Idiot to.
Number One Idiot of 2006:
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2006:
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2006:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2006:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20 bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Smartbutt. But you still get a sign.
Number Five Idiot of 2006:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Six of 2006:
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Idiot Number Seven of 2006:
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi- glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote... Most likely... in Florida!)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "Where are you, what happened....?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all nickels & pennies!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Question: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb? Answer: TEN.
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness; 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb; 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished"; 7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time; 8. Another one to viciously smear #7; 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along; 10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country. And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb. Pass this on. Help cure Mad Cowboy Disease.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry,sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across tow though the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
2. His Diary: Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle- fed?
"Breast-fed, "she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
-- Visit http://imran.com and click on JOKES.
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. "... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Monday, October 02, 2006
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire Departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the Fire Chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the Fire Department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more Fire Departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the Fire Department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a super-human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their Chief,
"What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Friday, September 29, 2006
Female Issues: Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your mobile to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. Your house thermostat doesn't seem to be cooling no matter what it's set on. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every set of bathroom scales ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
A Gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present."
"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad.
Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present ... sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing ... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too!"
For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow if you can get the milk for free?"... Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, He asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season football Pittsburgh Steelers Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership,and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're going to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"