Thursday, December 22, 2011


Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bear on the Roof

A man in the rural north Georgia mountains wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So, he looks in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.*

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12- gauge shotgun, and a mean as hell Pit Bull dog.

"So, exactly what are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the building, and then I'm going to climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

NASCAR Pit Crew Change News

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN , and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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Thursday, September 01, 2011

College Football Scouting Report

It has finally arrived . . . the football scouting report is currently making the rounds of Division 1 Football coaches:

Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.  Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview
(62 in one minute).  Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee .

Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been
clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Auburn .

Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle.  From a 4th generation welfare family.  At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father.  He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:
"The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma."  On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20.  
Signed with the University of Oklahoma .

Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback.  Born on an Amtrak train.  Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements.  Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.  
Signed with the University of Alabama .

Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges.  Likes wild women and red Cadillac's.  Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican TelephoneCompany.  
Signed with University of Miami .

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville .  Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear."  (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Priest and Rabbi on a Plane....

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Notes from the Edge of Life:

(Received from Roger E, a pilot friend of mine).

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your one wants to run with me either.
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Men Are Like....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free, here's an update: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. 

WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

< Men are like.... >

1. Men are like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like 
Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like 
Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like
Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like 
Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like
Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like
Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like
Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like 
Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like
 Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like
 Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like
Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Sex Frogs

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into it's eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

Friday, January 21, 2011

10 Great Lessons On Being Human

Not a joke, but worth reading and remembering as this year, and our lives fly by.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.