NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN , and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
NASCAR Pit Crew Change News
Thursday, September 01, 2011
College Football Scouting Report
It has finally arrived . . . the football scouting report is currently making the rounds of Division 1 Football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview
(62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee .
Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been
clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Auburn .
Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:
"The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20.
Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.
Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.
Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview
(62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Signed with Tennessee .
Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.
Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been
clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Signed with Auburn .
Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:
"The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20.
Signed with the University of Oklahoma .
Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.
Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.
Signed with the University of Alabama .
Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican TelephoneCompany.
Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.
Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican TelephoneCompany.
Signed with University of Miami .
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.
Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Signed with the University of Florida .
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
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