No In Home Service

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Please send me a brother", the
little boy requested very earnestly.

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

The Lay Of The Land In Women's Golf

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally,
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty
early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would
be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in
the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next
week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she
still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-
handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a
riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could
contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
You-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical ." Astonished at
This bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it
pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Calories Burned During Sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calori es
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD...Right now, as you read this,
60 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!

Life Facts To Keep In Mind

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the
Golden Oldies!)

Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.

Bush Bumper Stickers

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
8 ) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
12) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
13) Give Bush a Blowjob So We Can Impeach Him, Too
14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
17) Cheney/Satan '08
18 ) Jail to the Chief
20) No, Seriously, WHY Did We Invade?
21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
23) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
24) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
31) Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
34) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
35) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
36) 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

"Lost" - The One You Won't See On TV

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him
was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to
explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we
all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that
time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let try
something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever happened
around here?"

The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Top 4 Naughty-Adult Jokes 2006

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive
some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Whatever Way You Get There

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and
shaking. The other
flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I
can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next summer.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, " Didn't you try
what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in
the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

Snow Storm Parking Instructions For Blondes

One winter morning a husband and his beautiful blonde wife in
northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out
and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"

Kids Learn So Fast

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."

The Pilot And The Minister

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of
Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired AirTran drinking pilot
from Houston." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43
years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take
this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.? How
can this be?"

"Up here, we assign people by results they got," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached - people slept; while he flew ---- people prayed!"

--
PS Check out http://imran.com/flying/

World's Most Powerful Liquid?

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon bottle of
Turpentine, shaking it up and watching the bubbles .

Shortly, a Priest came along and asked the little boy what did he
have in the jug.

The little boy replied, "The most powerful liquid in the world, it's
called Turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, my son, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's tummy, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "No Father, I disagree, because if you take
some of this Turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a
Harley Davidson."

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly -- (Naughty)

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.