Friday, May 30, 2008

Prepositional Proposition

A girl from Pennsylvania and a girl from the west coast were seated
side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Pennsylvania, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from PA, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where ya from.... bitch?"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price
difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of shit, it takes all morning."

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Secret of Health, Happiness & A Long Life

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!  What is your secret?'

'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said.  'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.  On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.' 

'That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?'

'Twenty-four,' she replied.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for th e rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2, 000,000 bank

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will rec eive a factory and
$2 ,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hold On For Dental Extraction

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'

Monday, May 19, 2008

Hardly Thinking On His Feet?

An elderly gentleman goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. 'Can I
have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' he asks.

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Magic Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!."

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the
bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied ..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow."

Monday, May 12, 2008

Early Realization

Nominated for best short joke of the year. . . .

A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.




A koala bear was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the
little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed
a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river. At the water's edge, the
little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into
the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the riverbank. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter
with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest, found the gum tree where the koala was sitting finishing
another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Daaaaaaammnn, duuuuuude.....

How much water DID you drink???!!!"