Tuesday, November 27, 2007

By George! Holy Clock!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire

"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's lies clock is in Jesus Christ's office... He's using it as a
ceiling fan!"

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny"

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that "grownups don't really get laid," I
will have nothing left to live for."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Infantile Deformities & Childhood Shortcomings

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed
Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.*

Monday, November 05, 2007

Sex Sells But (telling the) Sex (of) Flies?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sex, Aborigine Style

An Australian Aborigine goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?"

"$100," she replies.

"Okay do you do Aborigine style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aborigine style?"

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aborigine style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally
he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aborigine style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of
request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could
Aborigine Style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of
way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the
hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed
it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aborigine style' come in?"

The Aborigine replies, "I'll pay you next week!"

PS I guess he does not use paypal or MasterCard.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Viagra Advertising - Madison Avenue Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!). When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that captured the essence of Viagra Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs. And... now for the sequel... a lovely friend of mine shared this with others, who responded. Here are the additional campaign ideas...including mine at #20. Add yours in the comments section... 11. You've come a long way baby! (V slims) 12. It keeps growing and growing and growing! (Energizer bunny) 13. Raising the bar (Cingular) 14. It takes a licking but keeps on ticking (Timex) 15. King of good times (Kingfisher beer) 16. Taste the thunder (ThumsUp) 17. Put a tiger in your tank (Exxon) 18. Get a piece of the rock (Prudential Insurance) 19. Good to the last drop (Coffee) and 20. We try Harder. (Avis)