Friday, November 26, 2010

Great Logic, Context Or Word Errors in Headlines!

Actual news headlines with context or grammar errors or poor punctuation...

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
- Expert Says Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It
- May Last a While
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Air Head Fired
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Golf Lessons (Of Life)

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'