Friday, July 28, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Wife

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was do ing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two 'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Don't Interrupt, Listen To The Whole Story

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone.

Teed Off, Hole In One, In The Green

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Latest redneck stuff

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of "You know you're a redneck when.....

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls & all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood & does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sex, Therapy and Marriage Counseling

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

Friday, July 14, 2006

Sign Language

At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a plastic surgeon's door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

On a taxidermist's window: "We know our stuff."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

In a veterinarian's office: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet & miss a car payment."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Friday, July 07, 2006

German Pilot Sprechen

Translations of English Aviation Terms for German Speaking Pilots

PROPELLER---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

ENGINE---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan Pushenthruster

JET ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezn Und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors (made by Pratt & Whitney).

CONTROL COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

RUDDER PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks

PILOT---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker

STUDENT PILOT---Der Dumbkolf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden Mit Der Airlinens

FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen, Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer der Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum das Airlinen

PARACHUTE---Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est Kaputen

JET TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen Highenfaster Mit All der Mach Und Flightenlevels

AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen

PASSENGER---Der Dumbkoph das Est Strappened en Der Baacken Mit Der Other Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven Mit Der Luggagebags Someplaceneisen

FAA---Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und Regulations

Oh, $#!^ , we're all out of....

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"