Sunday, March 30, 2008


Not a joke. But, interesting.

How smart is Your Right Foot ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's
preprogrammed In your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! Before the day
is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Unbearable Wordplay

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with
his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Monday, March 24, 2008

Exercise & Lifting Weights For Senior Citizens


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the

Sex, Deaf But Not Dumb

This joke is R-rated.

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if
she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one
time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred
and fifty times.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Quick Moving STD?

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Astra van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens
the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona
until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Fiona a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve, let alone
that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her, but eventually admits
that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial
disease that I've ever seen."

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pretzel Hold Escape

A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're finished'.

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he
asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it

The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with
my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

'So,' the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'

'Not really.' said the Newfie 'You'd be amazed how strongly you react
when you bite your own balls.'

Friday, March 14, 2008

Gorillas (And The Man) In Our Midst

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a beautiful female, became very
difficult to handle.

Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
female gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but
only under four conditions. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
kiss her on the lips."

The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

"And lastly," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with
the $500.00."

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Holy E-Mail

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something
to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? No? Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either........

Monday, March 03, 2008

The "Two Cow Explanation" Of What Makes...

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then
pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force
the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the
cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't
know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows,
and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.