Thursday, December 31, 2015

Some Quick Old Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.


Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.


A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".


A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."


Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Billy The (Fighter Pilot) Kid

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 Little Billy says, "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe , an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

 The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with little Billy's response, decides not to acknowledge what he said and continues with the lesson.

 "And how about you, Sarah?"

 "I wanna be Billy's whore."

[It's a silly joke folks, don't get all worked out about it. Sent to me by a pilot friend.]