New Halloween Regulations For Senior Citizens & AARP Members

TOP 10 REASONS SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...."and can't remember
the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Attitude Changes with Employment and Career Tracks

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
somehow, it's my fault."

Grandparents Humor

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
puttingthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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A grandfather was telling his little grandson what his own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know
how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."

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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'"

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Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No", said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Marriage Secret Revealed

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

Til Death Do Us Part

I was on a job once and one old fellow was from out of town. He had rented an apartment for the duration. He had "cultivated"
relationships with several local single senior women in his off time.

He had a major heart attack and was in the hospital on life support when his wife flew in from home. Apparently she came to find out that
one or more of the people waiting at the hospital were her hubby's local love interests. [They were chatting it seems].

The story went that when the doctor came to her for instructions for the patient's care she told him to "PULL THE PLUG!"

That's gotta hurt.

What's Your Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
'Bob Titsenbeer,' he said.

IMRAN says: Does that mean Carmen Electra likes electricians or favors hybrid electric cars?

Battle of the Sexes

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."