Never Upset A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Mother Of All Gifts

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mom"

How Women & Men Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the  whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

:-)