Help The Poor Woman

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened!"

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you dirtball!"

The husband begins to tell his story:

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw she was so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for three days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them.

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I 'don't have good taste'.

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

She starts to warm up -- just a little -- and he continues:

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Just In Time

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aircraft aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

The Best Chain Letter Ever

(Some rough language)

Hello, my name is Eddie and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Mississippi with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch! of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Eddie

P.S. Send me 15 bucks.

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can be President.  You can never be pregnant.  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal.  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.   Same work, more pay.   Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress $5000.  Tux rental - $100.  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.  New shoes don't cut,  blister,  or  mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  Everything on your face stays its original color.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.  Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.  You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Italians & Greeks

A Greek and an Italian met one sunny afternoon in Greece and shared a glass of wine.

The Greek couldn't help bragging about his rich cultural heritage. "We Greeks built the Parthenon," he said proudly.

The Italian answered, "We Italians built the Coliseum and the Sistine Chapel."

The Greek, unfazed, said, "We Greeks gave the world Socrates and Plato."

The Italian said, "We Italians gave the world Michelangelo, DaVinci and Galileo."

Somewhat frustrated, the Greek said, "Yes, but we Greeks gave the world sex."

To which the Italian calmly replied, "True, but we Italians introduced it to women."

Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

I don't know about you, but I sure got a chuckle out of these, and I'll bet your friends will too!!

AND

I've learned... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Use things and love people, instead of using people and loving things

New Bumper Stickers

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Horn Broken.. Watch For Finger. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Earth Is Full - Go Home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illiterate? Write For Help. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If Anything Falls Off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fight Crime: Shoot Back! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ax Me About Ebonics. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boldly Going Nowhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And Lastly: "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

MasterCard

Old but funny. That is not what I had in mind when I brought MasterCard credit cards to Pakistan.

Barumpbump!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Shooting His Mouth Off

A young southern boy goes off to the University of Tennessee, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his redneck father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actually have a program at UT that will teach dogs how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Big Red in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls his father again. "So, how's Big Red doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. Now, the boy figures out he has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Big Red? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some really bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Big Red was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Grandchildren

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" --------------------------------------------------------------------

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" --------------------------------------------------------------------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. --------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." --------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" --------------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." --------------------------------------------------------------------

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark! , "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." --------------------------------------------------------------------

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six." --------------------------------------------------------------------

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't love that one?) --------------------------------------------------------------------

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child." --------------------------------------------------------------------

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

One (and then some) for the Ladies

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - Shall we try swapping positions
tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! immediately he turned ninety! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration?

Flight Plans

A jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

Giant Problems For Little Texans

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. 

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his   pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.   

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's ofice and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.  The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top  of your cowboy boots." 

Marketing 101 - Not Taught In Business Schools

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and while pointing to you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed", That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against him arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed", That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all those houses you are passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!", That's Junk Mail.

Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship (Men's Version)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

(Well, I tend to disagree with that last point ;-) ).

Little Known Maritime Facts

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

QED: Analysis Of Women

Warning for the Pope

Talk about a "confluence" or "I see a pattern here"...

YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. YEAR 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died. In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope!

The Backwards Collar

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,.............

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Things You Can Only Say At Christmas

1.Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Canadian Pension

Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. “I’ll have to go get it and come back later,” I said. At that point, she said to me, “Unbutton your shirt.” I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When I got home, I couldn’t wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too.”