Saturday, October 14, 2006

Late-Night TV Jokes On Republican Mark Foley Sex Scandal

"I have the latest in the big Washington sex scandal. ... CNN is reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but were also full of typos. In his own defense, Foley said, 'It's hard to type with one hand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The good news? Florida Congressman Mark Foley has entered rehab. The bad news? Rehab is a 14-year-old boy from Pakistan." --Jay Leno

"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine, and then maybe you can sit on it." --Jay Leno

"On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said, 'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA slow." --Jay Leno

"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place." --Jay Leno

"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday. ... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile." --Jay Leno

"ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor, stopped the House floor vote, so he could have online phone sex with a 16-year-old. Say what you want about Bill Clinton -- he could sit at his desk and have sex and work at the same time." --Jay Leno

"Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House. ... Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center." --Jay Leno

"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked himself into rehab. ... It had gotten so bad he had to go out and develop a drinking problem." --David Letterman

"The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new page." --David Letterman

"He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart

"The big question, of course, for this congressman, who was an online sex predator to a 16-year-old, is -- what drove him to it? [on screen: multiple newscasts saying Foley blamed alcohol]. The sauce. Sad juice. Satan's breast milk. Uncle Scotchy's anger wrangler. The active ingredient in Nyquil. That's why he did this thing. For if not for alcohol, it would have never crossed his mind. Mark Foley's problem wasn't that he drank, it was what he drank [on screen: bottle of Young Boyschlager]. Young Boyschlager. It's got real bits of young boy in it. You don't stand a chance." --Jon Stewart

"It's unbelievable the way the mainstream media is reporting this thing. Listening to them, you'd think it's all Foley's fault. Don't you think the kids bare some of the blame here? Hear me out. Let's be fair. How can a 53-year-old, six-term congressman hold out against the snares and seductive trickery of a high student from the rural South?" --Stephen Colbert

"He's in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks -- drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. ... It's simple. You drink, you forget things -- especially things that could endanger minors." --Stephen Colbert

"Apparently he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft on terror." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit emails to underage boys. What is it with Congress? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass." -Jay Leno

"How about that Florida congressman Mark Foley? Whoa. At least the Democrats wait until the interns are 18." -David Letterman

"The Republicans reacted quickly. They transferred Foley to a different parish." -David Letterman

"The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action." --Jon Stewart

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