Witty Quotations

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." 
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." 
-- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
-- Mark Twain 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
-- George Burns 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
-- Victor Borge 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
-- Mark Twain 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
-- Socrates 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
-- Groucho Marx 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
-- Jimmy Durante 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
-- Alex Levine 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 
-- Rodney Dangerfield 

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
-- Spike Milligan 

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. 
-- Mark Twain 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 
-- Joe Namath 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
-- Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it 
-- W.C. Fields 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
-- Will Rogers 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you. 
-- Winston Churchill 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
-- Phyllis Diller 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
-- Billy Crystal 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. 



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