Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. " The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ....he certainly can't wear glasses."
{Adult Humor Warning. For Mature Readers Only.}
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'
Paraprosdokians are phrases or sentences that lead us down the garden path to an unexpected ending.
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian
-- Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
