Marriage Secret Revealed

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

Til Death Do Us Part

I was on a job once and one old fellow was from out of town. He had rented an apartment for the duration. He had "cultivated"
relationships with several local single senior women in his off time.

He had a major heart attack and was in the hospital on life support when his wife flew in from home. Apparently she came to find out that
one or more of the people waiting at the hospital were her hubby's local love interests. [They were chatting it seems].

The story went that when the doctor came to her for instructions for the patient's care she told him to "PULL THE PLUG!"

That's gotta hurt.

What's Your Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
'Bob Titsenbeer,' he said.

IMRAN says: Does that mean Carmen Electra likes electricians or favors hybrid electric cars?

Battle of the Sexes

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

Pride & PreJudicial

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Going Once, Or Twice?

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

How Do You Know You're Over 50?

Most of our 50+ years old friends can relate to these...for the younger ones this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenges.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

and

20. Thank God, browsers allow you to increase FONT sizes to read this whole list.

68 and pregnant?

A woman went to the medical office, where she was seen by a young,
new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her
she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor
screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68
years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and
you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

The Ultimate Retribution

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Shocked To Death

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared
the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm
new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
hearse for the past 23 years."

Sensitive Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower
and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete
says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."... then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are!"

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

We're Doing Nothing, Just Killing Time!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says:
"What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading
a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's
knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A
young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and
nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes."

Post Nuptial Ooooops! Till Death Do Us Apart

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Oh Shit!"

Shake Off The Doldrums In Old Age Home

(This is a naughty joke - mature audiences only)

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, with lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and
says .......

"Do You know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" She asks.

"SEX!" he replies.

"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Harold , "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it tenderly. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she finally found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's Manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled sheepishly and replied ....... "Parkinson's"

Greatest Confessions

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's. And put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
_________________________________________________

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
_________________________________________________

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
__________________________________________________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature." Muldoon said.

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate
to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
__________________________________________________

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
__________________________________________________

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-
control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
Man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
__________________________________________________

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, Snore, and you sleep alone.

Hollywood Squares Repartee

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Man Of The House Laying Down The Law

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be
the Man of Your House when he stormed into the kitchen and walked
directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you
are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The Funeral Director would be my guess."

Indian Winter - Predicting The Weather

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

So, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and the villagers should collect firewood to
be prepared.

Then, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the
Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?

"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief
called the Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

The Mortician & A Befitting Funeral

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."