Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a bloody Chihuahua?!"

Give & Take In The Gynecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thighs. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?", he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps, which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're catching syphilis, which is what I came here about in the first place!"

Why Men Don't Get Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays it's original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Bar Room Signs!

Friends don't let friends Take home ugly men  Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE                                                                                                                                                            Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC           If life is a waste of time, And time is a waste of life, Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC                Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.  The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO              No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC              At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry.  Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ              =0 A  It's hard to make a comeback When you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ                Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT            If voting could really change things, It would be illegal. Revolution Books New York , New York .            If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?  Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives,  Washington , DC            Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ             You're too good for him.. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA            No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA        ~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~                                   A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it  Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX 0A

 

History's Top 10 Times Appropriate For Using The F-word

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK,   1963

AND ... drum roll please ....

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

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Blond Bombshell vs Shellfish: Frozen Crabs & Legal Seafood?

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Shooting Time

Here's why Sicilians pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Sicilian is dying and on his death bed.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'!"

 

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