Hard Pressed Mic Stuck Turned On?

A Northwest Airlines flight to Boston was being buffeted about in turbulence caused by Hurricane Bob. It was a very rough ride, to the point that the flight attendants were ordered to take their seats and strap themselves in, and the passengers were using their air-sickness bags and panicking.

After a significant struggle, the pilot brought the plane through to calmer air. The flight attendants took up their posts again and the captain's voice boomed throughout the craft.

"Well folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But it looks like the worst of it is over, we are doing just fine and the rest of the trip looks free and clear with very little turbulence expected. Thank you for remaining calm, and have a wonderful stay in Boston or wherever your final destination may be."

Then there was a short pause and several clicks as the captain tried to turn off the intercom. It wasn't off however, and the passengers heard the following statement.

"Thank them? They ought to be thanking me, we're lucky to be alive. I deserve a cup of coffee and a blow job, for Pete's sake."

As a red faced stewardess bolted up the aisle to inform the captain that the intercom was still on, a passenger called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

 

Blond Bombshell vs Shellfish: Frozen Crabs & Legal Seafood?

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Airport & Air Traffic Control Chatter

(Received in email from a pilot friend).

These are from a former FAA Safety inspector who also was a CAL pilot before the FAA stint.

———————————

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

———————————

ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.'

Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'

———————————

ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'

Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'

—————————————

ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canad a 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?'

CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?'

CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)

ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'

CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'

———————————

Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'

———————————

NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'

FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'

NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'

Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'

NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'

Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'

NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'

—————————————

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR

—————————————

Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, heli copter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

—————————————

ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

—————————————

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!

——————————

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

———————————

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

————————————

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'

—————————————

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

————————————

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)...

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately .'

——————————

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

——————————————

Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

———————————————

A deer is on the runway... so...

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'

Inst: 'That's a good idea.' (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?'

Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think)

Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.' Inst: 'That's a good idea.'

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

———————————

Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

——————————

Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.

Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.'

Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'

Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'

Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'

Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'

Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'

———————————

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

———————————————

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton

Ground: Cessna 1 234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

——————————————————

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

—————————————

Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'

Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.'

Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'

—————————————

Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

————————————————

Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

————————————————

Munchen Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'

Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'

Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? '

Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'

Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'

————————————————

Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)

Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'!

Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

————————————

Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'

Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'

Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'

———————————

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

——————————————

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

Pilot and Air Traffic Controller (ATC) Hilarious Dialogues

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
----------------------
ATC: ' Al italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.' Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'
----------------------
NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'
NY Ctr: ' Al -italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Al italia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
-------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
--------------------------
Frankfurt Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
-------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
-------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
--------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: Al l the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
---------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter1019
-----------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
-------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
-------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Appro ach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
-----------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
--------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
--------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
---- ------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
---------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

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These were received by email. Original sources unknown to me.

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Old Pilot Joystick Gender Bender

An old Pilot sat down at the coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. And you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Love Life As A Pilot

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.

He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

=====================

His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

Technorati Tags: Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Pilots, Relationships