Date Night Menu

Date Night Menu ...

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne . I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said "Would you care for a desert?

 

RUDOLPH THE LEAKY LAWYER - A Randy Rainbow Song Parody

Awesome!

Even Einstein Could Not Calculate That Answer

Morbid sense of family humor, but.... even Einstein could not have calculated the correct answer.

Love/Forever Stamps

A young guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them! He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, the young guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the young man.

"I'm a Divorce lawyer," the older man replies.

Brilliant Wife & Two Photos

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Wordplay To Make A GrownUp Groan!

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

Visual WordPlay Collection

Enjoy!

McDonald's Drive-Through Strategy

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning, and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

"Take the high road," I thought to myself.  So when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. 

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.