Sensitive Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower
and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete
says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."... then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are!"

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

We're Doing Nothing, Just Killing Time!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says:
"What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading
a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's
knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A
young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and
nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes."

Post Nuptial Ooooops! Till Death Do Us Apart

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Oh Shit!"

Shake Off The Doldrums In Old Age Home

(This is a naughty joke - mature audiences only)

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, with lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and
says .......

"Do You know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" She asks.

"SEX!" he replies.

"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Harold , "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it tenderly. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she finally found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's Manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled sheepishly and replied ....... "Parkinson's"

Greatest Confessions

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's. And put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
_________________________________________________

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
_________________________________________________

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
__________________________________________________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature." Muldoon said.

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate
to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
__________________________________________________

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
__________________________________________________

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-
control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
Man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
__________________________________________________

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, Snore, and you sleep alone.

Hollywood Squares Repartee

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Man Of The House Laying Down The Law

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be
the Man of Your House when he stormed into the kitchen and walked
directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you
are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The Funeral Director would be my guess."

Indian Winter - Predicting The Weather

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

So, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and the villagers should collect firewood to
be prepared.

Then, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the
Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?

"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief
called the Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

The Mortician & A Befitting Funeral

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

The Jewels And The Portrait

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a very famous
artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with my 3-carat diamond
earrings, a large Diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful red ruby Pendant."

"But, ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is failing and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will
marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

No In Home Service

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Please send me a brother", the
little boy requested very earnestly.

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

The Lay Of The Land In Women's Golf

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally,
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty
early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would
be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in
the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next
week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she
still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-
handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a
riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could
contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
You-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical ." Astonished at
This bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it
pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Calories Burned During Sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calori es
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD...Right now, as you read this,
60 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!

Life Facts To Keep In Mind

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the
Golden Oldies!)

Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.

Bush Bumper Stickers

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
8 ) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
12) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
13) Give Bush a Blowjob So We Can Impeach Him, Too
14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
17) Cheney/Satan '08
18 ) Jail to the Chief
20) No, Seriously, WHY Did We Invade?
21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
23) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
24) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
31) Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
34) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
35) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
36) 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

"Lost" - The One You Won't See On TV

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him
was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to
explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we
all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that
time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let try
something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever happened
around here?"

The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Top 4 Naughty-Adult Jokes 2006

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive
some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Whatever Way You Get There

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and
shaking. The other
flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I
can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next summer.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, " Didn't you try
what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in
the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

Snow Storm Parking Instructions For Blondes

One winter morning a husband and his beautiful blonde wife in
northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out
and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"