How Many George W. Bush Administration Officials Needed To Change A Light Bulb?

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb? Answer: TEN.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness; 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb; 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished"; 7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time; 8. Another one to viciously smear #7; 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along; 10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country. And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb. Pass this on. Help cure Mad Cowboy Disease.

And You Thought MY Puns Were Bad

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry,sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across tow though the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Late-Night TV Jokes On Republican Mark Foley Sex Scandal

"I have the latest in the big Washington sex scandal. ... CNN is reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but were also full of typos. In his own defense, Foley said, 'It's hard to type with one hand.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The good news? Florida Congressman Mark Foley has entered rehab. The bad news? Rehab is a 14-year-old boy from Pakistan." --Jay Leno

"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine, and then maybe you can sit on it." --Jay Leno

"On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said, 'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA slow." --Jay Leno

"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place." --Jay Leno

"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday. ... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile." --Jay Leno

"ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor, stopped the House floor vote, so he could have online phone sex with a 16-year-old. Say what you want about Bill Clinton -- he could sit at his desk and have sex and work at the same time." --Jay Leno

"Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House. ... Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center." --Jay Leno

"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked himself into rehab. ... It had gotten so bad he had to go out and develop a drinking problem." --David Letterman

"The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new page." --David Letterman

"He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart

"The big question, of course, for this congressman, who was an online sex predator to a 16-year-old, is -- what drove him to it? [on screen: multiple newscasts saying Foley blamed alcohol]. The sauce. Sad juice. Satan's breast milk. Uncle Scotchy's anger wrangler. The active ingredient in Nyquil. That's why he did this thing. For if not for alcohol, it would have never crossed his mind. Mark Foley's problem wasn't that he drank, it was what he drank [on screen: bottle of Young Boyschlager]. Young Boyschlager. It's got real bits of young boy in it. You don't stand a chance." --Jon Stewart

"It's unbelievable the way the mainstream media is reporting this thing. Listening to them, you'd think it's all Foley's fault. Don't you think the kids bare some of the blame here? Hear me out. Let's be fair. How can a 53-year-old, six-term congressman hold out against the snares and seductive trickery of a high student from the rural South?" --Stephen Colbert

"He's in rehab, which means it only happened because he was drinking. We've all done it folks -- drunk dialing. It's just that in Foley's case, it was drunk texting erotic messages to underage pages about masturbation. ... It's simple. You drink, you forget things -- especially things that could endanger minors." --Stephen Colbert

"Apparently he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft on terror." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit emails to underage boys. What is it with Congress? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass." -Jay Leno

"How about that Florida congressman Mark Foley? Whoa. At least the Democrats wait until the interns are 18." -David Letterman

"The Republicans reacted quickly. They transferred Foley to a different parish." -David Letterman

"The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action." --Jon Stewart

Mexican Olympics News

Presidente Vincente Fox has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

The reason is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.

Dear Diaries

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2. His Diary: Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle- fed?

"Breast-fed, "she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

-- Visit http://imran.com and click on JOKES.

Top 10 Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Identity Crisis

A guy walks into a Dentist office and says, "Doc I have this problem, I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies, "I'm a dentist, the Psychiatrist's office is across the hall. Why did you come to me?"

The man replied "YOUR LIGHT WAS ON."

Definitions To Get Off Your Chest

Question: What is the difference between EXCESS and SURPLUS ?

Answer: EXCESS is the part of her breast a man can't get in his mouth! SURPLUS is the other one!

Swedish Firemen To The Rescue

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire Departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the Fire Chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the Fire Department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more Fire Departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the Fire Department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a super-human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their Chief,

"What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Female Issues: Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women

Female Issues: Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your mobile to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. Your house thermostat doesn't seem to be cooling no matter what it's set on. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every set of bathroom scales ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

What's Under The Hood In The Garage?

A Gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

50th Wedding Anniversary Kids

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad.

Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present ... sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing ... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too!"

Animal Husbandry

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow if you can get the milk for free?"... Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Logical Decision

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, He asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season football Pittsburgh Steelers Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership,and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

More New Words To Love

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. willy-nilly, adj. impotent. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Counting Down Your Chickens

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're going to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Don't Go Shopping With A Bored Husband Or Boyfriend

MEMO Re: Your Shopping With Your Husband Mr. Bill Panzer -

Mrs. Panzer, our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Panzer has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: During a loud speaker announcement, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Thank you.

The Caddies

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this.. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop."