This is Imran's updated version of "How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?" Read it to the end, and email me if I missed offending someone. ;-)
Charismatic: Only 1 Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .
Episcopalians: 3 One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None Lutherans don't believe in change.
Jewish Grandmothers: 0 It's all right, I should sit in the dark and suffer!!
Jew: (In New York) Get someone else to do it, but don't tip them.
Zionist Jew: (In Israel) Ask America to pay for it, because the old bulb was obviously made by an anti-Semite.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Hindu: 1/6 One multi-armed freaky goddess can change 6 lights bulbs at the same time. Ideal for outsourcing American bulb-changing jobs.
Black: 0 The bulb blew because of the white man screwing the black man like a light bulb 200 years ago, so white man should send a bulb, while I sit here in the dark by choice.
Blonde: 12 hours (until daylight) Will someone turn the lights on so I can change the light bulb?
George W. Bush: 1000 years When God says let there be light, there will be light.... but ask Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: 100 men Give the contract to Haliburton.
John Kerry: +- 0.5 I started screwing in the light bulb before I started unscrewing it.
Bill Clinton: ?x! What is the meaning of "screwing" a light bulb? I did NOT screw that light bulb.
Hillary Clinton: x It takes a village, unless the village does not have a good healthcare plan.
Muslim: (In Iraq) 0 Power's only on in the Green Zone where the Americans are, so what's the use?
Muslim: (In Afghanistan) 100 Throw stones at the light bulb because it was made in infidel lands.
Muslim: (In AlQaeda) 1 Damn, why do they (light bulbs) keep blowing themselves up?