This is Imran's updated version of "How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?" Read it to the end, and email me if I missed offending someone. ;-)
Charismatic: Only 1 Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .
Episcopalians: 3 One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None Lutherans don't believe in change.
Jewish Grandmothers: 0 It's all right, I should sit in the dark and suffer!!
Jew: (In New York) Get someone else to do it, but don't tip them.
Zionist Jew: (In Israel) Ask America to pay for it, because the old bulb was obviously made by an anti-Semite.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Hindu: 1/6 One multi-armed freaky goddess can change 6 lights bulbs at the same time. Ideal for outsourcing American bulb-changing jobs.
Black: 0 The bulb blew because of the white man screwing the black man like a light bulb 200 years ago, so white man should send a bulb, while I sit here in the dark by choice.
Blonde: 12 hours (until daylight) Will someone turn the lights on so I can change the light bulb?
George W. Bush: 1000 years When God says let there be light, there will be light.... but ask Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: 100 men Give the contract to Haliburton.
John Kerry: +- 0.5 I started screwing in the light bulb before I started unscrewing it.
Bill Clinton: ?x! What is the meaning of "screwing" a light bulb? I did NOT screw that light bulb.
Hillary Clinton: x It takes a village, unless the village does not have a good healthcare plan.
Muslim: (In Iraq) 0 Power's only on in the Green Zone where the Americans are, so what's the use?
Muslim: (In Afghanistan) 100 Throw stones at the light bulb because it was made in infidel lands.
Muslim: (In AlQaeda) 1 Damn, why do they (light bulbs) keep blowing themselves up?
THE PARABLE OF THE BLIND
Once there was a blind man, he was a very devout and religious man. To get about, he rode upon an ass to go to and fro from place to place. As he was riding his ass one day going down the road he met another blind man sitting beside the road.
The blind man sitting beside the the road called out and said "the sabbath is nigh upon us."
"Oh, my," exclaimed the blind man on the ass, "who can lead us to a place of rest until the the sabbath has past?"
The blind man beside the road said, "give me the reigns of your ass and I will lead us both to our rest."
As he led them along they came to a great ditch that a flood had washed in the road.
The blind man leading them fell first in the ditch and clinging tightly to the reigns caused the ass and the other blind man to fall in with him. The men were unable to get themselves out of the ditch, so they just sat there on their ass and did nothing.
Soon, a Samaritan came along and saw them in their despair. The Samaritan said, "give me the reigns and I will pull you and you push upon the ass and you will be free."
"No," they said, "we have been here so long the sabbath is upon us, we are
bound to this place and cannot move. We also percieve you are a Samaritan and we cannot touch you for you are unclean to us."
"Surely," said the Samaritan, "you are not so religious that I cannot save you, a flood is soon upon us."
"No," said the the blind men, "we cannot break the law."
The flood came and washed them and their ass away.
There is a moral to this story. Jesus said:
Luke 6:9 Then said Jesus unto them, I will ask you one thing; Is it lawful on the sabbath days to do good, or to do evil? to save life, or to destroy it?
Mark 2:27 And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath:
Luke 14:5 And answered them, saying, Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the sabbath day?
Matthew 15:14 Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: BLIND RELIGION CAN KILL YOUR ASS
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