Can you read this?

See if you can read this.............I could!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if oyu can raed tihs frowrad it.

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a Father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."

T-Shirt Slogans - Taking Orders!!

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

12) Impeachment: It's not just for sex anymore

14) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16) Cheney/Satan '08

17) Jail to the Chief

18) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

19) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

20) Bad president! No Banana.

21) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

22) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

23) Is It Vietnam Yet?

24) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

25) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

26) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

29) 2004: Embarrassed -- 2005: Horrified -- 2006: Terrified

Overdose Handicap

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his
request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

By George! Holy Clock!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's lies clock is in Jesus Christ's office... He's using it as a
ceiling fan!"

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny"
speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that "grownups don't really get laid," I
will have nothing left to live for."

Infantile Deformities & Childhood Shortcomings

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed
Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.*

Sex Sells But (telling the) Sex (of) Flies?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Sex, Aborigine Style

An Australian Aborigine goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?"

"$100," she replies.

"Okay do you do Aborigine style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aborigine style?"

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aborigine style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally
he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aborigine style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of
request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could
Aborigine Style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of
way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the
hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed
it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aborigine style' come in?"

The Aborigine replies, "I'll pay you next week!"

---
PS I guess he does not use paypal or MasterCard.

Viagra Advertising - Madison Avenue Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!). When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that captured the essence of Viagra Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs. And... now for the sequel... a lovely friend of mine shared this with others, who responded. Here are the additional campaign ideas...including mine at #20. Add yours in the comments section... 11. You've come a long way baby! (V slims) 12. It keeps growing and growing and growing! (Energizer bunny) 13. Raising the bar (Cingular) 14. It takes a licking but keeps on ticking (Timex) 15. King of good times (Kingfisher beer) 16. Taste the thunder (ThumsUp) 17. Put a tiger in your tank (Exxon) 18. Get a piece of the rock (Prudential Insurance) 19. Good to the last drop (Coffee) and 20. We try Harder. (Avis)

New Halloween Regulations For Senior Citizens & AARP Members

TOP 10 REASONS SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...."and can't remember
the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Attitude Changes with Employment and Career Tracks

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
somehow, it's my fault."

Grandparents Humor

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

*********************************************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
puttingthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*******************************************************************

A grandfather was telling his little grandson what his own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

*************************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know
how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

*************************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*************************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*************************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

*************************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."

************************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'"

*************************************************************

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*************************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No", said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Marriage Secret Revealed

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

Til Death Do Us Part

I was on a job once and one old fellow was from out of town. He had rented an apartment for the duration. He had "cultivated"
relationships with several local single senior women in his off time.

He had a major heart attack and was in the hospital on life support when his wife flew in from home. Apparently she came to find out that
one or more of the people waiting at the hospital were her hubby's local love interests. [They were chatting it seems].

The story went that when the doctor came to her for instructions for the patient's care she told him to "PULL THE PLUG!"

That's gotta hurt.

What's Your Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
'Bob Titsenbeer,' he said.

IMRAN says: Does that mean Carmen Electra likes electricians or favors hybrid electric cars?

Battle of the Sexes

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

Pride & PreJudicial

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Going Once, Or Twice?

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

How Do You Know You're Over 50?

Most of our 50+ years old friends can relate to these...for the younger ones this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10 You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenges.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

and

20. Thank God, browsers allow you to increase FONT sizes to read this whole list.

68 and pregnant?

A woman went to the medical office, where she was seen by a young,
new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her
she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor
screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68
years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and
you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

The Ultimate Retribution

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in
to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Shocked To Death

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared
the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm
new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
hearse for the past 23 years."

Sensitive Rednecks

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower
and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete
says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."... then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are!"

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

We're Doing Nothing, Just Killing Time!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says:
"What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading
a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's
knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A
young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and
nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm
22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes."

Post Nuptial Ooooops! Till Death Do Us Apart

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Oh Shit!"

Shake Off The Doldrums In Old Age Home

(This is a naughty joke - mature audiences only)

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, with lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and
says .......

"Do You know what I miss most of all?"

"What?" She asks.

"SEX!" he replies.

"Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," says Harold , "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it tenderly. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she finally found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's Manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled sheepishly and replied ....... "Parkinson's"

Greatest Confessions

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's. And put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
_________________________________________________

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
_________________________________________________

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
__________________________________________________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature." Muldoon said.

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate
to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
__________________________________________________

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."
__________________________________________________

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-
control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
Man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
__________________________________________________

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, Snore, and you sleep alone.

Hollywood Squares Repartee

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Man Of The House Laying Down The Law

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be
the Man of Your House when he stormed into the kitchen and walked
directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you
are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The Funeral Director would be my guess."

Indian Winter - Predicting The Weather

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

So, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and the villagers should collect firewood to
be prepared.

Then, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter
going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the
Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?

"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a
very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief
called the Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

The Mortician & A Befitting Funeral

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

The Jewels And The Portrait

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a very famous
artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with my 3-carat diamond
earrings, a large Diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful red ruby Pendant."

"But, ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is failing and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will
marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

No In Home Service

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Please send me a brother", the
little boy requested very earnestly.

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

The Lay Of The Land In Women's Golf

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally,
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty
early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would
be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in
the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next
week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she
still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-
handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a
riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could
contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
You-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical ." Astonished at
This bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it
pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Calories Burned During Sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calori es
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD...Right now, as you read this,
60 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!

Life Facts To Keep In Mind

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the
Golden Oldies!)

Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.

Bush Bumper Stickers

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
8 ) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
12) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
13) Give Bush a Blowjob So We Can Impeach Him, Too
14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
17) Cheney/Satan '08
18 ) Jail to the Chief
20) No, Seriously, WHY Did We Invade?
21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
23) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
24) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
31) Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
34) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
35) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
36) 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

"Lost" - The One You Won't See On TV

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him
was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to
explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we
all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that
time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let try
something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever happened
around here?"

The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Top 4 Naughty-Adult Jokes 2006

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive
some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Whatever Way You Get There

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and
shaking. The other
flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I
can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next summer.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, " Didn't you try
what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in
the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

Snow Storm Parking Instructions For Blondes

One winter morning a husband and his beautiful blonde wife in
northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out
and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"

Kids Learn So Fast

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."

The Pilot And The Minister

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of
Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired AirTran drinking pilot
from Houston." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43
years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take
this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.? How
can this be?"

"Up here, we assign people by results they got," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached - people slept; while he flew ---- people prayed!"

--
PS Check out http://imran.com/flying/

World's Most Powerful Liquid?

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon bottle of
Turpentine, shaking it up and watching the bubbles .

Shortly, a Priest came along and asked the little boy what did he
have in the jug.

The little boy replied, "The most powerful liquid in the world, it's
called Turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, my son, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's tummy, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "No Father, I disagree, because if you take
some of this Turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a
Harley Davidson."

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly -- (Naughty)

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.