Saturday, August 30, 2008

Forever Immortalized

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Albany, NY:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.  It was.
Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist.  All dressed up and no place to go.
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
Only The Good Die Young.
London, England:
Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
Ribbesford, England:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread.
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife.
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
Silver City, Nevada:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger.
But slow on the draw.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880`s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Tombstone in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
Tombstone in Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
Tombstone in Tombstone (sic), Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore;
Four slugs from a forty-four;
No Les No More.


Edinburgh, Scotland:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
From a Georgia cemetery:
I told you that I was sick!
Battersea, England tombstone for "Owen Moore":
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Larne, Ireland (for a hanged sheep stealer):
Here lies the body
of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.
On a grave digger's tombstone:
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.
On a Spinster's monument:
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.
Moultrie, Georgia:
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
Burlington, Vermont:
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
Rhyming name problems:
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
True feelings:
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
To which the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
More true feelings:
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
On an adulterous husband`s tombstone (Atlanta, Georgia):
Gone, but not forgiven
Middlebury, Vermont:
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
Kilmurry, Ireland:
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.
Death Valley, California:
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.
And not to be outdone:
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
Niagara Falls, Ontario:
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Public Service Announcements:
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."
(Girard, Pennsylvania)
Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
(New Jersey cemetery)
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
(Burlington, Vermont)
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
(Boston, Massachusetts)
Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
(Wiltshire, England)
Tombstone advertisements:
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter.
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson.
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.

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