Top Ten "Out of Office" Auto Responders

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/10/07. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged GBP5.99 for the first 10 words and GBP1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lisa' instead of 'Les.'

Evolution of New Year's Resolutions

RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2003: I will read 5 books a year.
2004: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2005: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2006: I will read at least one article this year.
2007: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2004: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2005: I will work out 5 days a week.
2006: I will work out 3 days a week.
2007: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by 2007.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2009.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by 2008.

RESOLUTION #4:

2004: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2005: I will not leave Marge.
2006: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2007: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2004: I will stop looking at other women.
2005: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2006: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2007: I will not stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2004: I will not let my boss push me around.
2005: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of
suicide.
2006: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2007: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2004: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my
baldness.
2005: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2006: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a
girdle.
2007: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2004: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2005: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2006: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2007: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2004: I will go to church every Sunday.
2005: I will go to church as often as possible.
2006: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2007: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

The Fearless Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but
legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening
experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun
bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to
find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty
ROARRRR! I just shit in my pants!!"

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anyone would have done
the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now, when I went
''''ROARRRR!''''"

Can you read this?

See if you can read this.............I could!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if oyu can raed tihs frowrad it.

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a Father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."

T-Shirt Slogans - Taking Orders!!

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

12) Impeachment: It's not just for sex anymore

14) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16) Cheney/Satan '08

17) Jail to the Chief

18) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

19) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

20) Bad president! No Banana.

21) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

22) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

23) Is It Vietnam Yet?

24) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

25) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

26) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

29) 2004: Embarrassed -- 2005: Horrified -- 2006: Terrified

Overdose Handicap

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his
request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

By George! Holy Clock!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's lies clock is in Jesus Christ's office... He's using it as a
ceiling fan!"

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny"
speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that "grownups don't really get laid," I
will have nothing left to live for."

Infantile Deformities & Childhood Shortcomings

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed
Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.*

Sex Sells But (telling the) Sex (of) Flies?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Sex, Aborigine Style

An Australian Aborigine goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?"

"$100," she replies.

"Okay do you do Aborigine style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aborigine style?"

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aborigine style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally
he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aborigine style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of
request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could
Aborigine Style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of
way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the
hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed
it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aborigine style' come in?"

The Aborigine replies, "I'll pay you next week!"

---
PS I guess he does not use paypal or MasterCard.

Viagra Advertising - Madison Avenue Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!). When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that captured the essence of Viagra Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs. And... now for the sequel... a lovely friend of mine shared this with others, who responded. Here are the additional campaign ideas...including mine at #20. Add yours in the comments section... 11. You've come a long way baby! (V slims) 12. It keeps growing and growing and growing! (Energizer bunny) 13. Raising the bar (Cingular) 14. It takes a licking but keeps on ticking (Timex) 15. King of good times (Kingfisher beer) 16. Taste the thunder (ThumsUp) 17. Put a tiger in your tank (Exxon) 18. Get a piece of the rock (Prudential Insurance) 19. Good to the last drop (Coffee) and 20. We try Harder. (Avis)

New Halloween Regulations For Senior Citizens & AARP Members

TOP 10 REASONS SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TRICK OR TREATING

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...."and can't remember
the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Attitude Changes with Employment and Career Tracks

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
somehow, it's my fault."

Grandparents Humor

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

*********************************************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
puttingthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

*******************************************************************

A grandfather was telling his little grandson what his own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

*************************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know
how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

*************************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

*************************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*************************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

*************************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."

************************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'"

*************************************************************

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*************************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No", said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Marriage Secret Revealed

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

Til Death Do Us Part

I was on a job once and one old fellow was from out of town. He had rented an apartment for the duration. He had "cultivated"
relationships with several local single senior women in his off time.

He had a major heart attack and was in the hospital on life support when his wife flew in from home. Apparently she came to find out that
one or more of the people waiting at the hospital were her hubby's local love interests. [They were chatting it seems].

The story went that when the doctor came to her for instructions for the patient's care she told him to "PULL THE PLUG!"

That's gotta hurt.

What's Your Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
'Bob Titsenbeer,' he said.

IMRAN says: Does that mean Carmen Electra likes electricians or favors hybrid electric cars?

Battle of the Sexes

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."