"But, ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is failing and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will
marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally,
one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty
early, at 6:30 am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The
woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would
be okay.
She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in
the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.
She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next
week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time,
she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she
still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-
handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play; it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a
riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which
helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could
contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
You-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical ." Astonished at
This bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it
pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calori es
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
Results may vary.
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD...Right now, as you read this,
60 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer!!!
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4
AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his
team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the
Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we
all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that
time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let try
something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever happened
around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day
a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive
some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I
can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next summer.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, " Didn't you try
what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in
the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out
and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired AirTran drinking pilot
from Houston." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43
years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take
this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.? How
can this be?"
"Up here, we assign people by results they got," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached - people slept; while he flew ---- people prayed!"
--
PS Check out http://imran.com/flying/
Shortly, a Priest came along and asked the little boy what did he
have in the jug.
The little boy replied, "The most powerful liquid in the world, it's
called Turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, my son, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's tummy, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "No Father, I disagree, because if you take
some of this Turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a
Harley Davidson."
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they Stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so She thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a Wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business They proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's Husbands was concerned that his
Normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
Phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
Worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
2005 Darwin Award Winners
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. so he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be-their on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man frustrated walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family....unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
---
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean
