Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for th e rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2, 000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will rec eive a factory and
$2 ,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."

Hold On For Dental Extraction

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'

Hardly Thinking On His Feet?

An elderly gentleman goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. 'Can I
have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' he asks.

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Magic Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!."

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the
bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied ..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow."

Early Realization

Nominated for best short joke of the year. . . .

A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

and

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Stoned

A koala bear was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the
little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed
a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river. At the water's edge, the
little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into
the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the riverbank. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter
with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest, found the gum tree where the koala was sitting finishing
another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Daaaaaaammnn, duuuuuude.....

How much water DID you drink???!!!"

Taking the Canadian Cure

George went to a psychiatrist. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said George.

Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the
psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A Cape Bretoner cured me for $10 and a quart. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new
pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Cape Bretoner cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now !!!'

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Beats Bush Rice Pudding For World Peace

My sweet tooth (more like sweet teeth!) mean there are few desserts, and hardly any ice-creams, that I do not like. But, among my favorites are Ben & Jerry's flavors, along with Hagen Daz and many others. I have been a fan of B&J's ice-creams from before they showed the courage to take the challenge of exposing our government's, especially the Bush administration's, follies and foolish policies. Obviously I just consume massive quantities of Chunky Monkey, Chubby Hubby, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dreams, Half Baked, and many other flavors just to support Ben and Jerry be great corporate citizens. Fine, don't believe me! Anyway, when I saw a link to it, I was happy to become a fan of their "fan page" on FaceBook. I saw that they have actually created several flavors and brands in support of world peace. During the same Facebook session, I clicked on the page of a very interesting person in Israel, who had connected to me. On his page, in a section called The Wall, which is standard on most FaceBook profiles, it was very heartening to see Palestinian and Israeli members, writing literally side-by-side, for world and middle-east peace. It was just a coincidence, but one that reminded me again that individuals like Yaakov Ort and Ben & Jerry (as people and as a business), can, do and will achieve far for world peace than President Bush ever could, even if he had thought about trying. Even just by naming some flavors for World Peace, Ben and Jerry has/have done more for peace around the world, than President Bush did in 8 years. Of course, Bush still has a SO many weekends left to solve the Mid-East problem, Darfur, and other issues. Many effective techniques are at his disposal. He can have the conflicting parties come and solve it all in day --- perhaps by having some (kosher/halal, one hopes) hamburger cookoffs at his ranch. I am not sure what dessert they serve at the Bush ranch. Surely it is not Ben and Jerry's ice-cream... Perhaps the dessert is Rice pudding -- served on a water-board? As I wrote in a comment on one of the profiles on FaceBook... Peace, with Dignity, and Equal Justice, to All.

Dog & Cat Diaries

DOG DIARY:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today
I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe... for now.

Essential Movies Facts

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they
happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock
when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you
will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with
and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

And last but not least:

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

Denmark's True American Election Insight

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

The Bracelet at Tiffany's - After Breakfast?

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'S ir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'

Good Girls Finish, Last?

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named
Theodoro was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to
attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the
point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Theodoro reached for her and the rattling resumed. This
time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The
sex finally ended and, again, Theodoro smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No"

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Theodoro reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Theodoro fell
onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into
her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear. "No, I
Swedish."

Lost Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley.We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the Bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Happy Birthday To You, and You and You and You

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to
flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that
he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Foot-boggling

Not a joke. But, interesting.

How smart is Your Right Foot ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's
preprogrammed In your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! Before the day
is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Unbearable Wordplay

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with
his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Exercise & Lifting Weights For Senior Citizens

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE around 60 ...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

Sex, Deaf But Not Dumb

This joke is R-rated.

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two
times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if
she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one
time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred
and fifty times.