Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends..

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or
leaks...

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Speeding in Pennsylvania

1) Good:
 An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' Officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money.  (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
 A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a pic ture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
 A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......

All Temperatures Are Relative!

60 Degrees F:
Floridians, Californians, & Hawaiians turn on the heat
Wisconsinites are out sunbathing

40 degrees F:
Italian & English cars won't start
Wisconsin motorists drive with the top down

20 degrees F:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat
Wisconsinites have the last cookout before it gets cold

-20 degrees F:
Californians flee to Mexico and Hawaii
Wisconsin Girl Scouts are selling cookies door-to-door

-40 degrees F:
Washington DC runs out of hot air
Wisconsinites let the dogs sleep indoors

-60 degrees F:
People in Florida all die
Folks in Wisconsin are annoyed because their cars won't start

-460 degrees F (Absolute zero on the Kelvin scale):
Hell freezes over
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

What Is That Thing Called?

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a
few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came
into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken a-back, but she decided to tell him the truth..
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's
mom wants to talk to you.'

Dictionary of Common Phrases In Personals

Men & Women Factoids?

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $200 for a $100 item he needs.
A woman will pay $100 for a $200 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Great Sayings Of Police Officers

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your Birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again, or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
crap."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here

When I Say I'm Broke, I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Lake Charles Job Application

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct; this being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on
question #4, the Yankee put down, "I don't know." And you put down,
"Neither do I."

"Don't Know Much About History" ?

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where
Sarah Palin also happened to be attending. Ms. Palin took the
opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question
with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, "Doctor," she asked, "How do you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Governor Palin.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?''

Palin thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history.'

Confirmed Bachelor

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. A, a confirmed bachelor for many
years.

"Mr. A, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no
time!" the marriage broker said.

"Don't bother;" replied Mr. A, "I've got two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs. I am happy with that arrangement."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine..."

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of
a desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job. Then Congress said,

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person
to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then
Congress said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people, one
to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, a Deputy Administrative Officer, and a
secretary. Then Congress said,

- "We have had this in operation for one year and we are $1,000,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Love Life As A Pilot

Her Diary:

Tonight I thought my pilot boyfriend was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost
him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there
and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came up,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, it was
okay but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else.

He fell asleep while I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

=====================

His Diary:

Made the worst landing of my life today, but at least I got laid.

Technorati Tags: Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Pilots, Relationships

Remembering (And) God's Words

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday, and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in a long time.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said: "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come?"
Cohen said: "I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine, and I knew that Levy came to Services every Saturday. I knew Levy takes his hat off during Services and leaves it in the back of the synagogue. So, I was going to leave after the Torah reading, and steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi said: "Well, Mr. Cohen, I noticed that you didn't steal Levy's hat. What changed your mind?"
Cohen said: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal Levy's hat."
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said: "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Cohen shook his head and said: "Not exactly, Rabbi. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

Occupational Descriptions

An accountant is someone who knows the costof everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Unrelated side note: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Consumer Behavior Or Smart Observation?

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and,
A 1 lb. package of chicken.

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
his intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Vaseline & The Power Of Silence

(This joke is rated-R. Please do not read or listen if you are under
18 or don't like naughty jokes).

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike
seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,
and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.' And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they
enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, 'I have to tell you
something about my family before we go in.' When we eat dinner, we
don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes.'

No problem,' he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As
dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and
screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He
looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the (BEEPING) dishes!'

Buying Monkeys

(Be sure to read or hear this joke to the end.)

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Today's New Business & Investing Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Bend it, Not Like Beckham!

This joke is rated R.

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says: "Ya know,
when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using
both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees
if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about
twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I
can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"