Irish Lucky

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked him.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Racial Discrimination Against Indians In Australia And It's Downside

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to a grocery store in his area. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out.

He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit, you Idiot?"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper..."

Flying Factoids For Aviators & PIlots

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot, is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

Hand flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.

Most crew meals taste like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets the blame.

A good simulator ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every trip and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the trash, then sends her back out to let in the cat.

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying types who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do something.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Professions. What's In A Name?

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

New Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Received in email from Norm Orenstein.
.

Stressed-out Driver, Palin' In Comparison

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him..... I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car ..''

A Slippery Idea

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She said, 'Yes, my husband and I use it all the time....'

'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex,' she said.

'Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a Child's' bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. and I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

'My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out!'

Last Wishes, Too Much To Ask For?

Barry had received the worst possible news from his doctor. Lying in bed that night he asked his wife again, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting back into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and asked, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die?"

She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Dining Out By The Decades

A group of 40 year old buddies met and discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Decipher what these Bush-isms mean

"This is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada."
-- George W. Bush, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009

"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened."
-- George W. Bush, on what he hopes to accomplish with his memoir, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009

"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend."
-- George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009

"So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression."
-- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

"People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President."
-- George W. Bush, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

"I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

"He was a great father before politics, a great father during politics and a great father after politics."
-- George W. Bush, on his father, George H.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

"Yesterday, you made note of my -- the lack of my talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times."
-- George W. Bush, speaking with the president of Liberia, Washington, D.C., Oct. 22, 2008

"I want to share with you an interesting program -- for two reasons, one, it's interesting, and two, my wife thought of it -- or has actually been involved with it; she didn't think of it. But she thought of it for this speech."
-- George W. Bush, discussing a company that improves access to clean water in Africa, Washington D.C., Oct. 21, 2008

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw."
-- George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"I didn't grow up in the ocean -- as a matter of fact -- near the ocean -- I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2008

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

"We're fixing to go down to Galveston and obviously are going to see a devastated part of this fantastic state."
-- George W. Bush, Houston, Sept. 16, 2008

"The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer -- prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them."
-- George W. Bush, Baton Rouge, La., Sept. 3, 2008

"First of all, I don't see America having problems."
-- George W. Bush, interview with Bob Costas at the 2008 Olympics, Beijing, China, Aug. 10, 2008

"I'm coming as the president of a friend, and I'm coming as a sportsman."
-- George W. Bush, on his trip to the Olympics in China, Washington, D.C., July 30, 2008

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."
-- George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"I think it was in the Rose Garden where I issued this brilliant statement: If I had a magic wand -- but the president doesn't have a magic wand. You just can't say, 'low gas.'"
-- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., July 15, 2008

"And they have no disregard for human life."
-- George W. Bush, on the brutality of Afghan fighters, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008

"The economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It's not as good as we'd like, but -- and to the extent that we find weakness, we'll move."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
-- George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"Amigo! Amigo!"
-- George W. Bush, calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in Spanish at the G-8 Summit, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people."
-- George W. Bush, Charlottesville, Va., July 4, 2008

"Should the Iranian regime-do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that's what I'd ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do."
-- George W. Bush, talking to reporters in Washington, D.C., July 2, 2008

"But oftentimes I'm asked: Why? Why do you care what happens outside of America?"
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 26,2008

"I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 26, 2008

"I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there's a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House."
-- George W. Bush, referring to White House chef Cristeta Comerford while meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Washington, D.C., June 24, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"And I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president."
-- George W. Bush, discussing flooding in the Midwest, Washington, D.C., June 17, 2008

"There is some who say that perhaps freedom is not universal. Maybe it's only Western people that can self-govern. Maybe it's only, you know, white-guy Methodists who are capable of self-government. I reject that notion."
-- George W. Bush, London, June 16, 2008

"Your eminence, you're looking good."
-- George W. Bush to Pope Benedict XVI, using the title for Catholic cardinals, rather than addressing him as "your holiness," Rome, June 13, 2008

"The German asparagus are fabulous."
-- George W. Bush, Meseberg, Germany, June 11, 2008

"We've got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood."
-- George W. Bush, Kranj, Slovenia, June 10, 2008

"One of the things important about history is to remember the true history."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 6, 2008

"There's no question this is a major human disaster that requires a strong response from the Chinese government, which is what they're providing, but it also responds a compassionate response from nations to whom -- that have got the blessings, good blessings of life, and that's us."
-- George W. Bush, on relief efforts after a Chinese earthquake, Washington, D.C., June 6, 2008

"Let's make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."
-- George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 13, 2008

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

"How can you possibly have an international agreement that's effective unless countries like China and India are not full participants?"
-- George W. Bush, Camp David, April 19, 2008

"Oftentimes people ask me, 'Why is it that you're so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?'"
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008

"We want people owning their home -- we want people owning a businesses."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 18, 2008

"So long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory -- and success."
-- George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."
-- George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008 (Watch video clip)

"A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what's not on their mind."
-- George W. Bush, Sochi, Russia, April 6, 2008

"Afghanistan is the most daring and ambition mission in the history of NATO."
-- George W. Bush, Bucharest, Romania, April 2, 2008

"Soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen, thanks for coming, thanks for wearing the uniform."
-- George W. Bush, at the Pentagon, March 19, 2008

"I thank the diplomatic corps, who is here as well."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008

"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008

"And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
-- George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
-- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008

"I'm oftentimes asked, What difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana? It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a -- it's in our national interest."
-- George W. Bush, Accra, Ghana, Feb. 20, 2008

"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
-- George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008

"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands."
-- George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008

Pilot and Air Traffic Controller (ATC) Hilarious Dialogues

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
----------------------
ATC: ' Al italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Alitalia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.' Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.'
----------------------
NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.'
NY Ctr: ' Al -italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Al italia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!'
-------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
--------------------------
Frankfurt Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
-------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
-------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
--------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: Al l the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
---------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter1019
-----------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
-------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
-------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Appro ach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
-----------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
--------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
--------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
---- ------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
---------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

Technorati Tags: Aircraft, Airport, Flying, Humor, IMRAN, ImranAnwar, Jokes, Pilots, Travel, RealLife, Air Traffic Control

These were received by email. Original sources unknown to me.

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The 100 Miles Per Hour Goat

Two Newfies are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, running toward the hole at great speed, and with no hesitation jump head first into the hole.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

Brilliant Students - A Way With Words

English teachers across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published annually, to the amusement of our teachers. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Old Pilot Joystick Gender Bender

An old Pilot sat down at the coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. And you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Witty Quotations

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." 
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." 
-- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
-- Mark Twain 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
-- George Burns 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
-- Victor Borge 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
-- Mark Twain 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
-- Socrates 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
-- Groucho Marx 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
-- Jimmy Durante 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
-- Alex Levine 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 
-- Rodney Dangerfield 

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
-- Spike Milligan 

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. 
-- Mark Twain 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 
-- Joe Namath 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
-- Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it 
-- W.C. Fields 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
-- Will Rogers 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you. 
-- Winston Churchill 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
-- Phyllis Diller 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
-- Billy Crystal 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. 



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More Blonde Jokes

OKLAHOMA 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...  Florida  or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the 
mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, 'What's the story?' 

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER  WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE  ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' 

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' 

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A  VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

DOG NAMES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

-

Truly Glorious Insults without 4-letter words

These glorious insults are from an era before all the insults of the
English language got boiled down to 4-letter words...

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.." -
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." -
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.. if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx

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Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's
a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me
happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Mixed-up Birthday Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love, 

John

P.S   The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing