Did You Hear The One About Her Hearing?

{Adult Humor Warning. For Mature Readers Only.}

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe
slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,  'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

The Trouble With English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

W e take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???


HAVE A GREAT DAY!

That's Gotta Hurt Even More

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. ..........

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

New Password Required

User:   My usual password is not working suddenly, why? 

Website chat assistant:   Your password has expired - you must register a new one. 

User:   Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine? 

Website:   You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days. 

User:   Can I use the old one and just re-register  it? 

Website:   No, you must get a new one. 

User:   I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember. 

Website:   Sorry, you must get a new one. 

User:   Ok, roses 

Website:   Sorry you must use more letters. 

User:   Pretty roses 

Website:   You must use at least one number. 

User   : 1 pretty rose 

Website:   You cannot use blank spaces. 

User:   1prettyrose 

Website   : You must use additional letters. 

User   : 1ƒvck!ngprettyrose 

Website:   You must use at least one capital letter. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngprettyrose 

Website:   You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngPrettyRose 

Website:   You must use additional letters. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$sIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightƒvck!ngNow 

Website:   Sorry, that password is already being used.

Quick Thinking on His Feet

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists, and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

''Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Covet Thy Neighbor's What?

A man received an e-mail from his neighbor:

"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future."

Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.

A few minutes later he received another e-mail: "Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife.'"

The Minister Demonistration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead. The fourth worm in good, clean soil: alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand. "If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Cold Wife Stare?

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Minnesota, near the Canadian border.  

 

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  

 

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.  

 

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.  

 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Coffee & Testicles All In A Day's Work

{Naughty Joke. Do Not Read If Easily Offended.}

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a Government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Department of Unintentional Puns: (Set) Fire (To) The Editors?!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! 
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
  
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! 
 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
  
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge! 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?! 
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken? 
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
 
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
 

Collection Of Short Jokes

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'

Read Right, Write Wrong

Let me read that again!

 
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
 
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
  
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
  
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
 Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
 
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 
 
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 

Hands On Massage Therapy

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel' she asked?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

All Truisms

A collection of thoughts from the past two thousand years or so.

 
GREAT TRUTHS
 
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard , Civil Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer , English  Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians -- Edward Langley ,  Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public  office. -- Aesop
 

FIVE INTERESTING STATEMENTS
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
 

Drinking Man Driven To Logic

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes...

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs...

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00...

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years...

Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: I guess so ...

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: I guess so...

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No...

Man: Then, where's your damn Ferrari?

Romance Interruptus....

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

The Italian Poker Club

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

Hard Pressed Mic Stuck Turned On?

A Northwest Airlines flight to Boston was being buffeted about in turbulence caused by Hurricane Bob. It was a very rough ride, to the point that the flight attendants were ordered to take their seats and strap themselves in, and the passengers were using their air-sickness bags and panicking.

After a significant struggle, the pilot brought the plane through to calmer air. The flight attendants took up their posts again and the captain's voice boomed throughout the craft.

"Well folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But it looks like the worst of it is over, we are doing just fine and the rest of the trip looks free and clear with very little turbulence expected. Thank you for remaining calm, and have a wonderful stay in Boston or wherever your final destination may be."

Then there was a short pause and several clicks as the captain tried to turn off the intercom. It wasn't off however, and the passengers heard the following statement.

"Thank them? They ought to be thanking me, we're lucky to be alive. I deserve a cup of coffee and a blow job, for Pete's sake."

As a red faced stewardess bolted up the aisle to inform the captain that the intercom was still on, a passenger called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

 

Old Fashioned Uses Of Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,'  he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, Dad, you can borrow my brand new Apple iPad 3!'

I can tell you, that poor fly on the dining table never knew what hit it…