I Cannot Tell A Lie..... Oh S#![!

Once there was a little boy who lived with his family in the countryside.

The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

Little Johnny and "I Presume...."

Another gem from Little Johnny.

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression , "I presume ..... ".

One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday , my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

"Very good , " said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

"That's excellent , " says the teacher.

Little Johnny , at the back of the classroom , gets up and says: "Yesterday , I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes . I presume that……."

The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.

Johnny says, "Please , Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to take a shit because he can't read."

Smart Cop Floored

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

Some Quick Old Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.

*********************************************************

A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

*********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Billy The (Fighter Pilot) Kid

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 Little Billy says, "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe , an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

 The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with little Billy's response, decides not to acknowledge what he said and continues with the lesson.

 "And how about you, Sarah?"

 "I wanna be Billy's whore."

 

[It's a silly joke folks, don't get all worked out about it. Sent to me by a pilot friend.]

Cute Puzzle

Can you figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters…. Let me know if you found the answer!







Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Finally A Good Gun Story!

Finally, a good gun story.

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

IRS Tax Form Denied

In response to the question, ... "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote:...

"11 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was "Unacceptable."

The man's response back to IRS was, ... "Who did I leave out?"

Later Gator

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees thinking his family would enjoy it.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

If You Love Word, Play (On Words)

Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." 

Here's a few more......... 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

The batteries were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

A boiled egg is hard to beat. 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end. 

Solution To The Too Much Sex Problem

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired. His buddy says: Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.

A CEO's Fine Art Collection

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day. Now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

Three Blondes Want To Be Cops

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. " The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ....he certainly can't wear glasses."

What Women Want

What Women Want Changes With Time....

 
What I want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming 
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 

1.   BREATHING 
2.  DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET 

Did You Hear The One About Her Hearing?

{Adult Humor Warning. For Mature Readers Only.}

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe
slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,  'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

The Trouble With English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

W e take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???


HAVE A GREAT DAY!

That's Gotta Hurt Even More

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. ..........

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

New Password Required

User:   My usual password is not working suddenly, why? 

Website chat assistant:   Your password has expired - you must register a new one. 

User:   Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine? 

Website:   You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days. 

User:   Can I use the old one and just re-register  it? 

Website:   No, you must get a new one. 

User:   I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember. 

Website:   Sorry, you must get a new one. 

User:   Ok, roses 

Website:   Sorry you must use more letters. 

User:   Pretty roses 

Website:   You must use at least one number. 

User   : 1 pretty rose 

Website:   You cannot use blank spaces. 

User:   1prettyrose 

Website   : You must use additional letters. 

User   : 1ƒvck!ngprettyrose 

Website:   You must use at least one capital letter. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngprettyrose 

Website:   You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngPrettyRose 

Website:   You must use additional letters. 

User:   1ƒvck!ngPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$sIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightƒvck!ngNow 

Website:   Sorry, that password is already being used.

Quick Thinking on His Feet

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a half head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists, and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

''Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'