Florida Panhandle? Exit Strategy? Public Funding?

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of
town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Jaguar, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

Speaking Of New Europe

European Union Commissioners recently announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewritters everywhere kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag
is disgrasful and they would go to. By the fourth year peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand
ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Self Medication, LEGend?

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor told him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost patience. He hobbled
out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and
gobbled down water until the pill cleared his throat.

He hobbled back into the examining room.

The doctor came back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the
tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Blonde Wannabe Cops

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The
first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All
right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one
eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

Prepositional Proposition

A girl from Pennsylvania and a girl from the west coast were seated
side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Pennsylvania, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya
from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from PA, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So,
where ya from.... bitch?"

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price
difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full
of shit, it takes all morning."

The Secret of Health, Happiness & A Long Life

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!  What is your secret?'

'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said.  'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.  On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.' 

'That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?'

'Twenty-four,' she replied.

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for th e rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2, 000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will rec eive a factory and
$2 ,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."

Hold On For Dental Extraction

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'

Hardly Thinking On His Feet?

An elderly gentleman goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. 'Can I
have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' he asks.

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Magic Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!."

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the
bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied ..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow."

Early Realization

Nominated for best short joke of the year. . . .

A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're
on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably
let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

and

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Stoned

A koala bear was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the
little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed
a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river. At the water's edge, the
little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into
the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the riverbank. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter
with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest, found the gum tree where the koala was sitting finishing
another joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Daaaaaaammnn, duuuuuude.....

How much water DID you drink???!!!"

Taking the Canadian Cure

George went to a psychiatrist. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said George.

Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the
psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A Cape Bretoner cured me for $10 and a quart. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new
pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Cape Bretoner cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now !!!'

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Beats Bush Rice Pudding For World Peace

My sweet tooth (more like sweet teeth!) mean there are few desserts, and hardly any ice-creams, that I do not like. But, among my favorites are Ben & Jerry's flavors, along with Hagen Daz and many others. I have been a fan of B&J's ice-creams from before they showed the courage to take the challenge of exposing our government's, especially the Bush administration's, follies and foolish policies. Obviously I just consume massive quantities of Chunky Monkey, Chubby Hubby, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dreams, Half Baked, and many other flavors just to support Ben and Jerry be great corporate citizens. Fine, don't believe me! Anyway, when I saw a link to it, I was happy to become a fan of their "fan page" on FaceBook. I saw that they have actually created several flavors and brands in support of world peace. During the same Facebook session, I clicked on the page of a very interesting person in Israel, who had connected to me. On his page, in a section called The Wall, which is standard on most FaceBook profiles, it was very heartening to see Palestinian and Israeli members, writing literally side-by-side, for world and middle-east peace. It was just a coincidence, but one that reminded me again that individuals like Yaakov Ort and Ben & Jerry (as people and as a business), can, do and will achieve far for world peace than President Bush ever could, even if he had thought about trying. Even just by naming some flavors for World Peace, Ben and Jerry has/have done more for peace around the world, than President Bush did in 8 years. Of course, Bush still has a SO many weekends left to solve the Mid-East problem, Darfur, and other issues. Many effective techniques are at his disposal. He can have the conflicting parties come and solve it all in day --- perhaps by having some (kosher/halal, one hopes) hamburger cookoffs at his ranch. I am not sure what dessert they serve at the Bush ranch. Surely it is not Ben and Jerry's ice-cream... Perhaps the dessert is Rice pudding -- served on a water-board? As I wrote in a comment on one of the profiles on FaceBook... Peace, with Dignity, and Equal Justice, to All.

Dog & Cat Diaries

DOG DIARY:

8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today
I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe... for now.

Essential Movies Facts

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they
happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock
when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you
will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with
and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

And last but not least:

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

Denmark's True American Election Insight

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

The Bracelet at Tiffany's - After Breakfast?

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'S ir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'