The TV is Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

A Pirate's Tearjerking Tale

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your
hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really.'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Forever Immortalized

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
 
Albany, NY:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.  It was.
 
Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist.  All dressed up and no place to go.
 
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
Only The Good Die Young.
 
London, England:
Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
 
Ribbesford, England:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread.
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife.
And the Devil sent him Anna.
 
Ruidoso, New Mexico:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
 
Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
 
Silver City, Nevada:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger.
But slow on the draw.
 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
 
Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
 
On a grave from the 1880`s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
 
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
 
Tombstone in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
 
Tombstone in Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
 
Tombstone in Tombstone (sic), Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore;
Four slugs from a forty-four;
No Les No More.

 
Edinburgh, Scotland:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
 
From a Georgia cemetery:
I told you that I was sick!
 
Battersea, England tombstone for "Owen Moore":
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
 
Larne, Ireland (for a hanged sheep stealer):
Here lies the body
of Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
 
Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.
 
On a grave digger's tombstone:
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.
 
On a Spinster's monument:
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.
 
Moultrie, Georgia:
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
 
Burlington, Vermont:
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
 
Rhyming name problems:
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all that's left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
 
True feelings:
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
 
To which the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
 
More true feelings:
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
 
On an adulterous husband`s tombstone (Atlanta, Georgia):
Gone, but not forgiven
 
Middlebury, Vermont:
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
 
Kilmurry, Ireland:
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.
 
Death Valley, California:
 
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.
 
And not to be outdone:
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
 
Niagara Falls, Ontario:
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
 
Public Service Announcements:
 
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."
(Girard, Pennsylvania)
 
Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
(New Jersey cemetery)
 
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
(Burlington, Vermont)
 
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
(Boston, Massachusetts)
 
Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
(Wiltshire, England)
 
Tombstone advertisements:
 
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter.
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.
 
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson.
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.

The New Rhyming Alphabet for Old Timers

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

The New Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few.

Just give me a pill, and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW

What's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Bat Mobile Cave In?

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted
until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the
bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

A Cold Blonde Joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says . . ." Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly. "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window Again she says . . ."Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load !"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she
lowers it, he says . . .

" Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in WYOMING, AND I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK !"

Idle Thoughts

Got these from a friend in email. Sound like George Carlin sayings but
not sure who the source is. Enjoy.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice. I forget which!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread ? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If you don't do anything, how do you know when you are finished?

Face Lift Or Uplifting The Soul?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?'

(You'll love this) --

- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

She Shoots, (Or) Jesus Saves?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and she yelled,

'STOP! Acts 2:38 ! (' Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven')

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'

BEWARE OF OLD MEN!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don"t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply."

"Nope! I"m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I"d guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I"m 50."

Now she"s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. he clerk responds,
"Oh, I"d say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I"m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I"m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell , go ahead." He slips both of
his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won"t get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds."

Why we love children ..

1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'

5 ) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot
toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, 'What 'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it
always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the
Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want
this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got
there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Who needs (spare) ribs?

Begin forwarded message:

From: Holz 

                                        Wasp Woman 

 

                                                She had her ribs removed by a plastic surgeon. 

                                                             ( I think he removed most of her brain too)

 

 

'Two things are infinite:  The Universe and Human Stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.'       - Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

Smartest kid

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Norm" <

 

Dating Ethnic Women (Racy, Politically Incorrect, Funny)

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3
carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought
of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMEN:
First Date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong
address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting
to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realize nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx

Who's Your Daddy Now?

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to
keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter
tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and
this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching
who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about
himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter
and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he
was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with
emotion.

He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

No (a)More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Wow, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife'.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

 The winners are:

 

 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 

 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 

 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 

 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

 9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 

 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 

 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 

 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 

 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 

 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 

 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

 
 The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

 Here are this year's winners:

 

 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

 

 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

 

 9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

 

 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

 And the pick of the literature.

 

 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

Florida Panhandle? Exit Strategy? Public Funding?

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on different areas of
town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Jaguar, lives
in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign.
It reads, "I only need another $ 10.00 to move back to Mexico "

Speaking Of New Europe

European Union Commissioners recently announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c"
will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewritters everywhere kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spellling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the languag
is disgrasful and they would go to. By the fourth year peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar chages vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensible riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand
ech ozer.

Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Self Medication, LEGend?

A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor told him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost patience. He hobbled
out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and
gobbled down water until the pill cleared his throat.

He hobbled back into the examining room.

The doctor came back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the
tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."