"What's the matter?" Bill asked.
"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There
are so many damn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she
liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was
this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't
like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her
husband couldn't stand me!"
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a
weight to his
penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then,'" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted
Flakes back in the box."
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Eukanuba Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 48.5-lbs before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid idiot...why else would I buy dog food??
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2003: I will read 5 books a year.
2004: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2005: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2006: I will read at least one article this year.
2007: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2004: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2005: I will work out 5 days a week.
2006: I will work out 3 days a week.
2007: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by 2007.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2009.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by 2008.
RESOLUTION #4:
2004: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2005: I will not leave Marge.
2006: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2007: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2004: I will stop looking at other women.
2005: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2006: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2007: I will not stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2004: I will not let my boss push me around.
2005: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of
suicide.
2006: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2007: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2004: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my
baldness.
2005: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2006: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a
girdle.
2007: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2004: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2005: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2006: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2007: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2004: I will go to church every Sunday.
2005: I will go to church as often as possible.
2006: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2007: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening
experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun
bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to
find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty
ROARRRR! I just shit in my pants!!"
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anyone would have done
the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now, when I went
''''ROARRRR!''''"
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if oyu can raed tihs frowrad it.
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
12) Impeachment: It's not just for sex anymore
14) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
16) Cheney/Satan '08
17) Jail to the Chief
18) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
19) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
20) Bad president! No Banana.
21) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
22) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
23) Is It Vietnam Yet?
24) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
25) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
26) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
29) 2004: Embarrassed -- 2005: Horrified -- 2006: Terrified
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's lies clock is in Jesus Christ's office... He's using it as a
ceiling fan!"
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong?
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny"
speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.
If you're going to tell me that "grownups don't really get laid," I
will have nothing left to live for."
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.*
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?"
"$100," she replies.
"Okay do you do Aborigine style?"
She says "No!"
"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aborigine style?"
She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aborigine style is.
So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally
he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aborigine style with me!"
Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of
request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could
Aborigine Style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of
way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the
hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed
it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aborigine style' come in?"
The Aborigine replies, "I'll pay you next week!"
---
PS I guess he does not use paypal or MasterCard.
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...."and can't remember
the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
somehow, it's my fault."
*********************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. At
last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
puttingthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************
A grandfather was telling his little grandson what his own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know
how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
*************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*************************************************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."
*************************************************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."
************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'"
*************************************************************
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
*************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No", said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
