Wednesday, January 16, 2008

A Moral? Amoral? A Story

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local Republican conservative politician and
member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and
give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from
his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I
knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Flying Nun

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines
that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try
and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her
nickel in. out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128
lbs, and you are going to Chicago."

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably
gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the
more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came
a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a
musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his
fiddle case on the seat between them. without thinking, she opened the
cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine,
thinking, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again."

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card
came out. it read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you are going to break wind."

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "I've
never broken wind in public a single time in my life."

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining
to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. she
said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card
came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled
and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Friday, January 11, 2008

Most Wives Don't Think These Are Funny

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

--------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor".

--------------------------------------------------------

BEFORE MARRIAGE

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Romantic Challenges

Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in
the dumps.

"What's the matter?" Bill asked.

"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There
are so many damn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she
liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was
this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't
like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her
husband couldn't stand me!"

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Black Magic - A Little Experiment

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a
weight to his
penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Monday, January 07, 2008

Puzzled Blonde

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then,'" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted
Flakes back in the box."

Friday, January 04, 2008

Eukanuba Dog Food Diet

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba (Dog Food) at Pick and Pay and
standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Eukanuba Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 48.5-lbs before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid idiot...why else would I buy dog food??

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Top Ten "Out of Office" Auto Responders

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18/10/07. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged GBP5.99 for the first 10 words and GBP1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lisa' instead of 'Les.'

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Evolution of New Year's Resolutions

RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2003: I will read 5 books a year.
2004: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2005: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2006: I will read at least one article this year.
2007: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2004: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2005: I will work out 5 days a week.
2006: I will work out 3 days a week.
2007: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by 2007.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2009.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by 2008.

RESOLUTION #4:

2004: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2005: I will not leave Marge.
2006: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2007: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2004: I will stop looking at other women.
2005: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2006: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2007: I will not stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2004: I will not let my boss push me around.
2005: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of
suicide.
2006: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2007: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2004: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my
baldness.
2005: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2006: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a
girdle.
2007: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2004: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2005: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2006: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2007: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2004: I will go to church every Sunday.
2005: I will go to church as often as possible.
2006: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2007: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

The Fearless Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but
legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening
experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun
bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to
find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty
ROARRRR! I just shit in my pants!!"

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anyone would have done
the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now, when I went
''''ROARRRR!''''"

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Can you read this?

See if you can read this.............I could!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a
wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if oyu can raed tihs frowrad it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a Father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "What?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."

Monday, December 17, 2007

T-Shirt Slogans - Taking Orders!!

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

12) Impeachment: It's not just for sex anymore

14) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16) Cheney/Satan '08

17) Jail to the Chief

18) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

19) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

20) Bad president! No Banana.

21) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

22) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

23) Is It Vietnam Yet?

24) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

25) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

26) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

29) 2004: Embarrassed -- 2005: Horrified -- 2006: Terrified

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Overdose Handicap

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his
request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is
coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday,
and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to
come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any
side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

By George! Holy Clock!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George W. Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's lies clock is in Jesus Christ's office... He's using it as a
ceiling fan!"

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong?

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny"
speech.

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech.

If you're going to tell me that "grownups don't really get laid," I
will have nothing left to live for."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Infantile Deformities & Childhood Shortcomings

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed
Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the
maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.*

Monday, November 05, 2007

Sex Sells But (telling the) Sex (of) Flies?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sex, Aborigine Style

An Australian Aborigine goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?"

"$100," she replies.

"Okay do you do Aborigine style?"

She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aborigine style?"

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aborigine style is.

So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally
he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aborigine style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of
request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could
Aborigine Style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of
way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the
hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed
it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
Where does the 'Aborigine style' come in?"

The Aborigine replies, "I'll pay you next week!"

---
PS I guess he does not use paypal or MasterCard.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Viagra Advertising - Madison Avenue Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!). When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that captured the essence of Viagra Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs. And... now for the sequel... a lovely friend of mine shared this with others, who responded. Here are the additional campaign ideas...including mine at #20. Add yours in the comments section... 11. You've come a long way baby! (V slims) 12. It keeps growing and growing and growing! (Energizer bunny) 13. Raising the bar (Cingular) 14. It takes a licking but keeps on ticking (Timex) 15. King of good times (Kingfisher beer) 16. Taste the thunder (ThumsUp) 17. Put a tiger in your tank (Exxon) 18. Get a piece of the rock (Prudential Insurance) 19. Good to the last drop (Coffee) and 20. We try Harder. (Avis)