Cold Wife Stare?

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Minnesota, near the Canadian border.  

 

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  

 

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.  

 

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.  

 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Coffee & Testicles All In A Day's Work

{Naughty Joke. Do Not Read If Easily Offended.}

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a Government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Department of Unintentional Puns: (Set) Fire (To) The Editors?!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! 
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
  
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! 
 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
  
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge! 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?! 
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken? 
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
 
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
 

Collection Of Short Jokes

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, guess she's there.'

Read Right, Write Wrong

Let me read that again!

 
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
 
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
  
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
  
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
 Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
 
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 
 
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 

Hands On Massage Therapy

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel' she asked?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

All Truisms

A collection of thoughts from the past two thousand years or so.

 
GREAT TRUTHS
 
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard , Civil Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case , Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer , English  Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians -- Edward Langley ,  Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public  office. -- Aesop
 

FIVE INTERESTING STATEMENTS
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
 

Drinking Man Driven To Logic

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes...

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs...

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00...

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years...

Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: I guess so ...

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: I guess so...

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No...

Man: Then, where's your damn Ferrari?

Romance Interruptus....

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

The Italian Poker Club

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

Hard Pressed Mic Stuck Turned On?

A Northwest Airlines flight to Boston was being buffeted about in turbulence caused by Hurricane Bob. It was a very rough ride, to the point that the flight attendants were ordered to take their seats and strap themselves in, and the passengers were using their air-sickness bags and panicking.

After a significant struggle, the pilot brought the plane through to calmer air. The flight attendants took up their posts again and the captain's voice boomed throughout the craft.

"Well folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But it looks like the worst of it is over, we are doing just fine and the rest of the trip looks free and clear with very little turbulence expected. Thank you for remaining calm, and have a wonderful stay in Boston or wherever your final destination may be."

Then there was a short pause and several clicks as the captain tried to turn off the intercom. It wasn't off however, and the passengers heard the following statement.

"Thank them? They ought to be thanking me, we're lucky to be alive. I deserve a cup of coffee and a blow job, for Pete's sake."

As a red faced stewardess bolted up the aisle to inform the captain that the intercom was still on, a passenger called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

 

Old Fashioned Uses Of Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,'  he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, Dad, you can borrow my brand new Apple iPad 3!'

I can tell you, that poor fly on the dining table never knew what hit it…

 

Two Large Women in A Bar…

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember... and I understand there are no visitors allowed in the Intensive Care unit!

Who Said That?

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki:

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, 'Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.'

Never Upset A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Mother Of All Gifts

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mom"

How Women & Men Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the  whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

:-)

Holiday One-line Groaners

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They emailed me that I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. She has fillings, too.

TSA Airport X-Ray Screening Statistics

This Month's Airport X-Ray Screening Statistics from the Dept. of Homeland Security. 

Statistics on Airport Screening from the Department Of Homeland Security

Terrorists Discovered = 0
Transvestites = 133
Hernias = 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases = 3,172
Enlarged Prostates = 8,249
Breast Implants = 59,350
Natural Blondes = 3

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together . . .and then crap on your car.
_________________________

A penny saved is a government oversight.
_________________________

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
_________________________

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
_________________________

He who hesitates is probably right.
__________________________

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
_________________________________________

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
__________________________

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
__________________________

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
____________________________

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
____________________________

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
_____________________________

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
_____________________________

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
_____________________________

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
______________________________

 Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ... AMEN!
______________________________